Sunday, May 17, 2009

Trying To Make Peace

My husband had a dream the other night.
When I was pregnant with Kensington, he dreamed I was pregnant with a girl and he was right. When I was pregnant with Clarence, he dreamed I was pregnant with a boy and he was right. So when he originally told me the other day that he dreamed that we were gonna have a boy this time, I figured "OK, boy it is". But further inquiry, (because let's face it, guys tend to be sparse on the details) revealed that he actually dreamed we had a little boy and he saw him as a toddler. So now I wonder if he was dreaming of the child I am carrying now or if his dream was really of Clarence and what might have been? I'd like to think his dream was of Clarence. Maybe Clarence was visiting his Daddy in his dream. Isn't that a beautiful thought? I hope that he chooses to visit me in my dreams someday. Right now though, I don't think my heart could handle it.
The wheels have been turning now and I have been trying to assess how I'd feel if indeed Tweet is a boy. Honestly? I am terrified of that. I want the experience of raising a son. I do. But somehow I feel.... I don't know. I mean he wouldn't be Clarence. That is an awful lot for another little boy to follow. I mean in my heart I know I would love him and wouldn't change a thing.... but right now it just seems like it would be so much easier if Tweet was a girl. I need to reconcile this feeling. I need to make peace with the idea that this baby could very well be a boy. And that that is OK. I need to figure this out. I don't want to be disappointed to be carrying a son. I want to be happy. I want to be @ peace with whatever God has planned for our family. I don't know how to do that. But I am working on it.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey Alisha, I think, know that God would not give you more than you can't handle. And if this precious baby is a boy-your heart will sort out that he isn't Clarence and your heart WILL find peace. Just remember to look to Him for it...
Love ya!

Angela, and Ben

Alisha said...

Thank you.

Michele said...

My husband loves to sleep because he says the children come to him and he is with them again. Watching him sleep, I believe it. His arms curl up... His face becomes angelic and free.

I hope we all sleep like that...

Anonymous said...

Alisha -

I completely understand your thoughts. When I first found out I was preggo after Casey, I actually said to my husband, "I'm scared to death to have another girl, I don't know if I could love her as much as I loved Casey". It's funny how the world works sometimes. The moment we found out Avery was an Avery - I fell equally as much in love with her as I did with Casey, but in a different way. I know that my love for Avery will never be the same as it is for Casey, but it will be as much. Casey is a big sister, and Avery the little sister. They could have the same nose, or eyes, or long fingers. It's something that will come with time, my dear. As soon as you find out what that sweet little Tweet is - you'll fall in love all over again, boy or girl, and in a completely different way than you did with KK or Clarence. I promise. God has a plan for you, and right now - it's to be a loving, caring, and beautiful incubator for that precious little parcel in there. I'm always here to listen... *hugs*

-Ryane