Tuesday, October 12, 2010
October 15th is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Please take a moment to view this video and remember to light a candle @ 7PM YOUR time on that day. Leave it burning for at least an hour so that there will be a continuous wave of light throughout the globe in remembrance of our precious little ones, gone too soon.
To view remembrance events taking place in your area, please visit HERE.
Posted by Alisha at 10:16 AM
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Blaze 'n' Crochet: Strider PREBike Review and GIVEAWAY!!!
I so wanna win this bike for Kensi!! Check out this awesome give away!
Posted by Alisha at 3:05 PM
Friday, May 14, 2010
I can't believe my mom is dead.
The soundtrack of my mind?
My mom is dead. My mother is dead. My mom DIED. My mom is dead. DEAD. I can't believe my mother is dead. My mom is dead.
Repeat, over & over & over......
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Last night I was talking to my stepson Brenden about my mother dying. He was unable to come to the memorial services because he was on spring break with his mother. I wanted to talk with him about it a little and see how he felt and ask if he had any questions. It had occurred to me that this was the only death he had ever experienced, aside from his great grandfather who died just weeks after he was born. Or so I thought. He reminded me otherwise....
Me: "This is the first person that you have know that has died, right?"
Brenden: "Well, except for Clarence"
I knew that. It's not like I didn't know that. I just didn't expect him to say that. I wasn't even sure how much Clarence's death affected him because he never got the chance to meet him.
I looked @ him and kinda smiled. "You mean your brother Clarence?" I said. I asked because this was also the name of his great grandfather.
I don't remember my exact words after that. I know I was happy (is that the right word?)... pleased maybe... that he remembered. And more than a little embarrassed that I "forgot". Not that I really forgot. I mean, how could I? I just didn't think he would consider that the same I guess? I don't know. It's hard to put into words why it caught me by surprise, but it did. I knew his death had a profound affect on me and my husband. I knew my mother's world crumbled when he died.. and yes my father and my in laws as well, but my mother for sure. I guess I just never realized how it affected him. It made my heart grow with warmth and love for him. He truly is a great kid and I am so blessed to call him my son.
Brenden with Kensington
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Clarence has company in Heaven. My mother, his grandma Gigi, died on March 23rd.
That is about all I can manage right now. I am still in shock.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, with which I'll never part. God has you in His keeping, I have you in my heart. ♥ Mommy loves you, Clarence...
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
I spend a lot of time on F.aceBook. It keeps me sane to keep in touch with other mommies through out the day.
Recently there was a status update going around. Usually it is a statement of some sort and if you agree with it you are supposed to copy and paste it in as your status update too. I don't usually participate, but this particular one carried a good message and I wanted to. However, I didn't know HOW to.
It was something about "My body isn't perfect, but I nurtured (fill in the blank) children....."
I think you can see where I got tripped up. Just how many children has my body grown and nurtured? 2? 3? I hesitate to say that my body nurtured Clarence b/c, well, that is why he died... my placenta kept bleeding and could no longer provide him with the nutrients he needed to grow. And yes, he lived in my womb for 20 weeks, but I feel my body failed him. Was I nurturing him... or was he suffering? I'll never know. I'd like to think it was the former. It certainly appeared he was thriving, well, until he wasn't... right up until the day before his little heart stopped beating, he appeared to be thriving.
I didn't re post it, because, well..... I just didn't know what to do with it.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
~I haven't posted here in forever. Life is going fine. It is a challenge juggling two children right now. Dell is, of course, a wonderful baby. He is exhausting though! Especially when I am running around after his sister too! He is up most days by about 4 or 5 am to nurse and after that wants to stay awake. That is hard on me because I am not smart enough to go to bed early! Nope. Not me. I want to stay up after Kensington and Brenden go to bed for some "me" time. I love my night times. I do a little laundry, run the dishwasher, catch up on the computer and am glued to my DVR. Then of course once I do make it to bed I want to read a little! It's a habit I have had forever and even if I only read just a page, I have to do it. During the day I have little energy or motivation and think about how tired I am. Night time I come alive.
~It's amazing to see how much my children look like I did in my baby/toddler pictures. Some of the pictures I have found of myself could easily be mistaken for Kensington. Just the other other day Chad and I were trying to decide whose nose she had. Then that night I was going through some old photos to put on FB. I came across a photo of myself @ KK's age and there was the nose... her nose! So funny. I looked exactly as she does now except for my hair was a lot straighter than hers which has some wave. As I kept going through the pics I came across one of me @ about 2 months old. Guess what? I was the spitting image of what Dell looks like right now. People keep telling me how much he looks like me and I just didn't see it. Well, if my baby pictures are any indication, I guess I do!
~So besides being busy and exhausted there is another reason I haven't posted here in awhile. I guess I am trying to figure out what belongs here on this blog. Do I end it? Do I continue it and write about my rainbow baby and other children/life else where? Or do I move forward here... no longer centering the blog around Clarence, but around my life as it is now, Clarence and other children, life events included?
~I gaze @ Dell and often wonder what Clarence would've looked like. Who he would've looked like. We did see him of course. We held him for hours. He had his sister's (mine I now know) button nose. But what would he look like NOW? Would he resemble Dell? It is hard to look @ my live son and not ask these questions....to not have a glimpse of who Clarence might have been. I know that Clarence is not Dell and Dell is not Clarence. They are separate. I don't ever want Dell to feel he lives in his brothers shadow. But I wonder when I look @ him. I can't help it.
~I also think a lot about what if Clarence had survived? What if by some miracle he had been born alive @ 20 weeks and lived? I would have an almost 2 1/2 year old, a 14 month old and a 6 week old! Wow!!
~I know I am blessed to have the children I have. But I am mourning a little as well. Chad wants to be done having kids and I just can't come to terms with never being pregnant again. It is such a sad thought to me. But with as crazy as my life is right now, could I even handle another child down the road? I have always said I wanted 3 children. And that is what I have. 4 actually, because I also have my stepson Brenden. So, 3 alive, 1 dead. I just don't know. I know I want another child some day and I know it is going to be next to impossible for me to come to terms with that not happening. For now I am gonna try my best to concentrate on enjoying my new little man and try to push the thoughts of more children aside. I guess we will cross that bridge when we get there. No sense in dwelling on it now.