tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18887244797482784232024-02-02T11:30:52.692-05:00Life Without ClarenceMy name is Alisha. I am married to a wonderful man, Chad. Thanksgiving Day 2008 our world fell apart. Our baby's heart stopped beating. I was 20 weeks & 1 day pregnant. Clarence William was born to Heaven the next day, November 28, 2008. My heart is torn to shreds. Here is where I share my hurt. This is my therapy & my healing. There is so much support & love here. Thank you all for reading.Alishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17213136633055248109noreply@blogger.comBlogger82125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1888724479748278423.post-64396021779295127082011-02-18T23:59:00.000-05:002011-02-18T23:59:52.458-05:00Hello Out There<div style="text-align: center;">Hi. I haven't been around much. Two kids have me pretty busy. I've been thinking about Clarence a lot lately though. Not that I ever don't think of him, but I just have been thinking of him even more. I miss his lazy kicks and thumps in my belly. I wish he had been born alive and survived and was now a thriving 2 year old. I wish, I wish, I wish.</div>Alishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17213136633055248109noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1888724479748278423.post-1867167399191951002010-10-12T10:16:00.000-04:002010-10-12T10:16:03.236-04:00Light a candle on Oct. 15 for babies lost to miscarriage or stillbirth<div style="text-align: center;">October 15th is<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pregnancy_and_Infant_Loss_Remembrance_Day"> Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day.</a> Please take a moment to view this video and remember to light a candle @ 7PM YOUR time on that day. Leave it burning for at least an hour so that there will be a continuous wave of light throughout the globe in remembrance of our precious little ones, gone too soon.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div style="text-align: center;"> To view remembrance events taking place in your area, please visit <a href="http://www.october15th.com/activities_walks.htm">HERE</a>.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
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</div>Alishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17213136633055248109noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1888724479748278423.post-56427457585961432262010-06-13T15:05:00.000-04:002010-06-13T15:05:54.850-04:00Blaze 'n' Crochet: Strider PREBike Review and GIVEAWAY!!!<a href="http://blazeandcrochet.blogspot.com/2010/06/strider-prebike-review-and-giveaway.html#comment-form">Blaze 'n' Crochet: Strider PREBike Review and GIVEAWAY!!!</a><br /><br />I so wanna win this bike for Kensi!! Check out this awesome give away!Alishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17213136633055248109noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1888724479748278423.post-92063523384678254232010-05-14T11:30:00.001-04:002010-06-11T23:27:03.776-04:00Dead<div style="text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: center;">I can't believe my mom is dead. </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">The soundtrack of my mind?</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">My mom is dead. My mother is dead. My mom DIED. My mom is dead. DEAD. I can't believe my mother is dead. My mom is dead.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">dead</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">dead</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div style="text-align: center;">dead</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">dead</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div style="text-align: center;">Repeat, over & over & over......</div>Alishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17213136633055248109noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1888724479748278423.post-89623279749633507752010-05-02T13:24:00.000-04:002010-06-01T22:10:55.147-04:00A Beautiful Day To Honor Beautiful Mothers<div style="text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: center;"></div><center><a href="http://youareabeautifulmother.blogspot.com/"><img border="0" src="http://i624.photobucket.com/albums/tt324/carlymariedudley/anigif-9.gif" /></a></center><br />
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</div><div style="text-align: center;">Thank you Carly!</div>Alishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17213136633055248109noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1888724479748278423.post-48561109551933248272010-04-27T11:12:00.001-04:002010-06-11T23:28:18.113-04:00Caught By Surprise<div style="text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: center;">Last night I was talking to my stepson Brenden about my mother dying. He was unable to come to the memorial services because he was on spring break with his mother. I wanted to talk with him about it a little and see how he felt and ask if he had any questions. It had occurred to me that this was the only death he had ever experienced, aside from his great grandfather who died just weeks after he was born. Or so I thought. He reminded me otherwise....</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">Me: "This is the first person that you have know that has died, right?"</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">Brenden: "Well, except for Clarence"</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">I knew that. It's not like I didn't know that. I just didn't expect him to say that. I wasn't even sure how much Clarence's death affected him because he never got the chance to meet him.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">I looked @ him and kinda smiled. "You mean your brother Clarence?" I said. I asked because this was also the name of his great grandfather. </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">He nodded.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">I don't remember my exact words after that. I know I was happy (is that the right word?)... pleased maybe... that he remembered. And more than a little embarrassed that I "forgot". Not that I really <span style="font-size: large;"><em>forgot.</em></span> I mean, how <em><span style="font-size: large;">could</span></em> I? I just didn't think he would consider that the same I guess? I don't know. It's hard to put into words why it caught me by surprise, but it did. I knew his death had a profound affect on me and my husband. I knew my mother's world crumbled when he died.. and yes my father and my in laws as well, but my mother for sure. I guess I just never realized how it affected him. It made my heart grow with warmth and love for him. He truly is a great kid and I am so blessed to call him my son.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgR6zjIJO6JxIFD8p0AlcXvkgcK2uSM_zqgUMT65XxcQqDzkRsJ4OSpTkYnE875Dn67E0CUW0DPE9seBCm4iVv1gJaLq9UJeQQkSd027bwaHUEvtQPrJiKet8WOIlohKOOWov664xANqKo/s1600/IMG_4992.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgR6zjIJO6JxIFD8p0AlcXvkgcK2uSM_zqgUMT65XxcQqDzkRsJ4OSpTkYnE875Dn67E0CUW0DPE9seBCm4iVv1gJaLq9UJeQQkSd027bwaHUEvtQPrJiKet8WOIlohKOOWov664xANqKo/s400/IMG_4992.JPG" tt="true" width="400" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">Brenden with Kensington</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div>Alishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17213136633055248109noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1888724479748278423.post-91925318210117516962010-03-31T22:10:00.000-04:002010-06-11T23:27:42.083-04:00Company<div style="text-align: center;">Clarence has company in Heaven. My mother, his grandma Gigi, died on March 23rd. </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div style="text-align: center;">That is about all I can manage right now. I am still in shock.</div>Alishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17213136633055248109noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1888724479748278423.post-932461620378596662010-03-03T23:21:00.000-05:002010-06-01T22:10:55.149-04:00Mommy Loves You<div style="text-align: center;">Thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, with which I'll never part. God has you in His keeping, I have you in my heart. ♥ Mommy loves you, Clarence...</div>Alishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17213136633055248109noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1888724479748278423.post-79452703114630655682010-02-24T22:55:00.004-05:002010-06-01T22:10:55.149-04:00I Don't Know What To Do With This<div align="center">I spend a lot of time on F.<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">aceBook</span>. It keeps me sane to keep in touch with other mommies through out the day.</div><div align="center"> </div><div align="center">Recently there was a status update going around. Usually it is a statement of some sort and if you agree with it you are supposed to copy and paste it in as your status update too. I don't usually participate, but this particular one carried a good message and I wanted to. However, I didn't know <em>HOW</em> to.</div><div align="center"> </div><div align="center">It was something about "My body isn't perfect, but I nurtured (fill in the blank) children....."</div><div align="center"> </div><div align="center">I think you can see where I got tripped up. Just how many children has my body grown and nurtured? 2? 3? I hesitate to say that my body nurtured Clarence b/c, well, that is why he died... my placenta kept bleeding and could no longer provide him with the nutrients he needed to grow. And yes, he lived in my womb for 20 weeks, but I feel my body failed him. Was I nurturing him... or was he suffering? I'll never know. I'd like to think it was the former. It certainly appeared he was thriving, well, until he wasn't... right up until the day before his little heart stopped beating, he appeared to be thriving.</div><div align="center"> </div><div align="center"> I didn't re post it, because, well..... I just didn't know what to do with it.</div>Alishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17213136633055248109noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1888724479748278423.post-66146849307460576592010-01-19T22:19:00.004-05:002010-06-01T22:10:55.150-04:00Ramblings<div align="center">~I haven't posted here in forever. Life is going fine. It is a challenge juggling two children right now. Dell is, of course, a wonderful baby. He is exhausting though! Especially when I am running around after his sister too! He is up most days by about 4 or 5 am to nurse and after that wants to stay awake. That is hard on me because I am not smart enough to go to bed early! Nope. Not me. I want to stay up after Kensington and Brenden go to bed for some "me" time. I love my night times. I do a little laundry, run the dishwasher, catch up on the computer and am glued to my DVR. Then of course once I do make it to bed I want to read a little! It's a habit I have had forever and even if I only read just a page, I have to do it. During the day I have little energy or motivation and think about how tired I am. Night time I come alive.</div><div align="center"></div><div align="center">~It's amazing to see how much my children look like I did in my baby/toddler pictures. Some of the pictures I have found of myself could easily be mistaken for Kensington. Just the other other day Chad and I were trying to decide whose nose she had. Then that night I was going through some old photos to put on FB. I came across a photo of myself @ KK's age and there was the nose... her nose! So funny. I looked exactly as she does now except for my hair was a lot straighter than hers which has some wave. As I kept going through the pics I came across one of me @ about 2 months old. Guess what? I was the spitting image of what Dell looks like right now. People keep telling me how much he looks like me and I just didn't see it. Well, if my baby pictures are any indication, I guess I do!</div><div align="center"></div><div align="center">~So besides being busy and exhausted there is another reason I haven't posted here in awhile. I guess I am trying to figure out what belongs here on this blog. Do I end it? Do I continue it and write about my rainbow baby and other children/life else where? Or do I move forward here... no longer centering the blog around Clarence, but around my life as it is now, Clarence and other children, life events included?</div><div align="center"></div><div align="center">~I gaze @ Dell and often wonder what Clarence would've looked like. Who he would've looked like. We did see him of course. We held him for hours. He had his sister's (mine I now know) button nose. But what would he look like NOW? Would he resemble Dell? It is hard to look @ my live son and not ask these questions....to not have a glimpse of who Clarence might have been. I know that Clarence is not Dell and Dell is not Clarence. They are separate. I don't ever want Dell to feel he lives in his brothers shadow. But I wonder when I look @ him. I can't help it. </div><div align="center"></div><div align="center">~I also think a lot about what if Clarence had survived? What if by some miracle he had been born alive @ 20 weeks and lived? I would have an almost 2 1/2 year old, a 14 month old and a 6 week old! Wow!! </div><div align="center"></div><div align="center">~I know I am blessed to have the children I have. But I am mourning a little as well. Chad wants to be done having kids and I just can't come to terms with never being pregnant again. It is such a sad thought to me. But with as crazy as my life is right now, could I even handle another child down the road? I have always said I wanted 3 children. And that is what I have. 4 actually, because I also have my stepson Brenden. So, 3 alive, 1 dead. I just don't know. I know I want another child some day and I know it is going to be next to impossible for me to come to terms with that not happening. For now I am gonna try my best to concentrate on enjoying my new little man and try to push the thoughts of more children aside. I guess we will cross that bridge when we get there. No sense in dwelling on it now.</div><div align="center"></div><div align="center">Rambling over.</div>Alishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17213136633055248109noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1888724479748278423.post-90789256716900066712010-01-03T22:27:00.002-05:002010-06-11T23:29:51.135-04:00Lovin' That Face<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6JefkSq8I4zAY9R7dcbHAyNn3lYztMvtGBfdwE6eUsn_pl1RQeysSD8FOu1uNtfcdjpzgNiHR3fjBRPMDe9OoMhOtJh-PQrYqCcAg4TMVpHq4woj4x2dxmCLnMUA_EwKglhGTrx7x7IE/s1600-h/IMG_3336.JPG"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 224px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 400px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5422723346229940226" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6JefkSq8I4zAY9R7dcbHAyNn3lYztMvtGBfdwE6eUsn_pl1RQeysSD8FOu1uNtfcdjpzgNiHR3fjBRPMDe9OoMhOtJh-PQrYqCcAg4TMVpHq4woj4x2dxmCLnMUA_EwKglhGTrx7x7IE/s400/IMG_3336.JPG" /></a> Just a few of Mommy's favorites!<br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEif_2wqCkGMu-9rXZ4cbxl8PZoSo9NrXdYhdVm_YKOBhcQ001yIM4BU1dUl52H5kXNQqKOSRgGIuD8adRZ9cLsC9Em8hyxwfKzV8n69uYh1WI7ckyNGpO4dC0dFROTrNQ9cwdVMkbGNxgc/s1600-h/IMG_3347.JPG"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 224px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 400px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5422723342935959298" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEif_2wqCkGMu-9rXZ4cbxl8PZoSo9NrXdYhdVm_YKOBhcQ001yIM4BU1dUl52H5kXNQqKOSRgGIuD8adRZ9cLsC9Em8hyxwfKzV8n69uYh1WI7ckyNGpO4dC0dFROTrNQ9cwdVMkbGNxgc/s400/IMG_3347.JPG" /></a><br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpqamA-ZKIarSlPATrKeXE2Nw0sKusifHqO3bx6XsJQdhoUai8FgbCeyFNZw9NxV_qkfywVmPJ-oQKJaOXXL8m8XoA2DAeVIy5wGqIrlBebbW06BSkuzX7lCqsi82XaPea5rvqhPtQyEc/s1600-h/IMG_3366.JPG"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 400px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 224px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5422723341196675074" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpqamA-ZKIarSlPATrKeXE2Nw0sKusifHqO3bx6XsJQdhoUai8FgbCeyFNZw9NxV_qkfywVmPJ-oQKJaOXXL8m8XoA2DAeVIy5wGqIrlBebbW06BSkuzX7lCqsi82XaPea5rvqhPtQyEc/s400/IMG_3366.JPG" /></a><br /><br /><br /><div>His "oooooo" face.<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvMdmio3FIIEtV4wVhECp7gWG7KqX1RSyu2Xds14mdipntmgaLsDrvosaka6tAXevNqjXuYARglrej6WyQnviNjGL8tkIkwotCu1LhsrRmsJQaftN_CjLsgaOQ1KuczfLGD-ZO__8q63w/s1600-h/IMG_3374.JPG"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 400px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 224px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5422723335830025394" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvMdmio3FIIEtV4wVhECp7gWG7KqX1RSyu2Xds14mdipntmgaLsDrvosaka6tAXevNqjXuYARglrej6WyQnviNjGL8tkIkwotCu1LhsrRmsJQaftN_CjLsgaOQ1KuczfLGD-ZO__8q63w/s400/IMG_3374.JPG" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjH7K9j35jaW4WRzKl6akRb2y8dhigZUjyPIrygSJyI74PfxrFgyihshWskuOsXFGTjSPxyoVadFHxKVbnPD4BGlcVFXqPQJ43IQng0Z2b6lppB6bHpimBU4FGuky67V96i11GqgbDzzyo/s1600-h/IMG_3376.JPG"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 224px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 400px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5422723332991922338" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjH7K9j35jaW4WRzKl6akRb2y8dhigZUjyPIrygSJyI74PfxrFgyihshWskuOsXFGTjSPxyoVadFHxKVbnPD4BGlcVFXqPQJ43IQng0Z2b6lppB6bHpimBU4FGuky67V96i11GqgbDzzyo/s400/IMG_3376.JPG" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><div></div></div></div></div></div>Alishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17213136633055248109noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1888724479748278423.post-2675269826023882012009-12-24T14:11:00.001-05:002010-06-11T23:27:59.742-04:00Christmas In Heaven<div align="center">Merry Christmas sweet Clarence.</div><div align="center"> </div><div align="center">Hopefully all of our angels are celebrating Christmas in Heaven together.</div>Alishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17213136633055248109noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1888724479748278423.post-92128183117855814852009-12-16T15:41:00.001-05:002010-06-11T23:29:51.136-04:00A Quick Photo<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSYRomg2gyF9tHRixdJSwOvDW-whjZp04WWn39pU1umeoH0s3j2-t58qD9jkroZBmRWye_kNasMKsAxjAgdLt9PNVv3ASEljv3hQkT7jDfwj3m6Z6C0_nZeHZjjFXNWkuqtQAs24e3c0s/s1600-h/November+and+December+2009+167.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 224px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 400px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5415937303681466226" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSYRomg2gyF9tHRixdJSwOvDW-whjZp04WWn39pU1umeoH0s3j2-t58qD9jkroZBmRWye_kNasMKsAxjAgdLt9PNVv3ASEljv3hQkT7jDfwj3m6Z6C0_nZeHZjjFXNWkuqtQAs24e3c0s/s400/November+and+December+2009+167.jpg" /></a><br /><div></div>Alishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17213136633055248109noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1888724479748278423.post-57421764819256596272009-12-15T10:09:00.002-05:002010-06-11T23:29:51.136-04:00Our Son<div align="center">Clarence's baby brother, Dell Richard, entered this world on December 10th @ 1:07am. He weighed just 6lbs 6oz and was 19 1/2 inches long. As soon as I get some pictures on the computer I will proudly share.</div><div align="center"> </div><div align="center">What a sweet blessing we have this Christmas. Clarence was really looking out for us. His brother is perfect in every way, just as he was. His big sister, Kensington, just adores him, as does Brenden his older half brother.</div><div align="center"> </div><div align="center">Thank you Clarence. There will always being a space for you in our family, but having Dell it now feels more complete. I believe that is because of you. I love you!</div>Alishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17213136633055248109noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1888724479748278423.post-87730188975210715762009-12-06T21:54:00.002-05:002010-06-01T22:10:55.152-04:00Please Lend Your Support<div align="center">I have unfortunately recently met a new mommy to an angel named Ben. Her heart is aching and she could use some of our love and support. Please stop on over and visit her <a href="http://myloveforben.blogspot.com/">here</a>. </div>Alishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17213136633055248109noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1888724479748278423.post-73045213993127565392009-11-28T14:07:00.000-05:002010-06-01T22:10:55.152-04:00Wish You Were HereA year ago today my sweet boy Clarence William entered this world silent. The tiniest of angels, he arrived @ 5:24 am only 10.2 ounces and 10 inches long. Happy Birthday sweet boy. You have changed our lives forever! We love and miss you everyday!Alishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17213136633055248109noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1888724479748278423.post-4288992972792320042009-11-13T13:48:00.003-05:002010-06-11T23:29:51.137-04:0036 weeks 5 days<div align="center">That's how far along I was when I gave birth to Kensington.</div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center">I will be 36 week and 5 days pregnant with this baby on November 28th... the day, last year, my sweet boy Clarence came into this world without a sound. Kind of ironic I think. It has me worried.</div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center">Please let this baby stay put in my womb longer than that. This seems to be the only thing I can think about lately. I want November 28th for Clarence. I want November for Clarence.</div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center">Please let December be for this baby. </div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center">PLEASE</div>Alishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17213136633055248109noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1888724479748278423.post-87362137452993454902009-11-12T21:35:00.003-05:002010-06-01T22:10:55.153-04:00Bittersweet<div align="center">Tonight I am trying to get some things ready for the new baby on the way. In doing this I ran across a few things that were purchased for Clarence. A little preemie outfit that my mother bought, when we didn't know what to expect when he was delivered and I didn't want him to be naked. As tiny as it is it would've completely engulf him. A blanket my mother bought just weeks before he died. A little bib that says "I'm The Little Brother" on it and has dinosaurs, part of my first and only purchase for my son.</div><div align="center"> </div><div align="center">I've thought about it and thought about it. What to do with this stuff. Up until now it has been neatly tucked away with other mementos of his. Tonight, with the help of Chad, I decided it would be OK to put them in the wash with this baby's clothes. Chad says he thinks it would be OK with Clarence for his little brother to have these things.</div><div align="center"> </div><div align="center"> </div><div align="center">Isn't that what big brothers do anyhow? Hand down their clothes and toys and friendship to their little brothers? This will be the one and only time Clarence is able to do that. It will bring a smile to my mouth and a tear to my eye every time I see this little baby wearing that bib or sleeper, or snuggling that blanket. I'll be sad that he is gone, but also so happy he is here. A part of our family still and always.</div><div align="center"> </div><div align="center"> </div><div align="center"> </div><div align="center">So bittersweet.</div>Alishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17213136633055248109noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1888724479748278423.post-41082265219394865362009-10-28T13:34:00.004-04:002010-06-01T22:10:55.154-04:00Retracing Time<div align="center">This time last year. That is a phrase I hear in my head a lot lately. Everyday seems to have a memory attached to it from my pregnancy with Clarence. My husband's birthday for example. We went to the same restaurant as last year. Of course I couldn't help but think about "this time last year" when we followed dinner with a trip to the costume store for Halloween. How when I stood up out of the car, I had my biggest gush of blood yet. I had to walk to the bathroom in Target, trying to act and walk normal, while blood was pouring out of me. Then I had to try and act normal while my stepson tried to pick out a Halloween costume.</div><div align="center"></div><div align="center">Thanksgiving is fast approaching. I have no idea how I want to spend it this year. It was on Thanksgiving day last year that I tried for hours to find my baby's heartbeat on the Doppler. I had to sit through the dinner, trying to be OK, wondering if my baby was dead. I am terrified what feelings will be stirred this year when I sit @ the table to eat my turkey. Do I want my family around? Or will that just make it more like "this time last year"? Maybe it should just be Chad, I and the kids? Or will that feel too empty? Maybe we should go to a friends? The offer has been put out there.</div><div align="center"></div><div align="center">On top of all of this, as of this Friday my husband is without a job. Cut backs @ work. Sure he has some irons in the fire as far as other opportunities. Sure he gets a severance package. That doesn't stop me from stressing out over it all. Could the timing be any worse? Not that it is ever a good time to lose a job. But seriously? I am trying so hard to enjoy this pregnancy, as it may be my last, but feeling tired and stressed all the time doesn't help. I want to make these last weeks with my daughter special... she won't be my only (live) child for much longer. I feel like this baby is gonna come before I am ready. I wish I could turn back the clock some. I feel like I am in a pit and keep trying to dig my way out, only to have the dirt keep falling back down to cover me. I'm scratching for the surface trying to be a healthy, happy, functional adult.... but I usually end up feeling knocked down and like a child.</div><div align="center"></div><div align="center">It's hard. Enjoy this pregnancy, be happy for my daughter, deal with the stress of life, struggle with my depression... and still take time to remember "this time last year". Take time to mourn the pregnancy and the son that I lost. </div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"><strong>Sometimes I want to give in and just let the dirt win.</strong></div>Alishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17213136633055248109noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1888724479748278423.post-81158580312875616042009-10-19T14:14:00.002-04:002010-06-11T23:29:51.138-04:0030 Weeks Pregnant<div align="center">Just wanted to share some pictures we took last week. I actually had my hair and makeup done and was wearing something other than a t-shirt and yoga pants so we figured we'd take advantage!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEij2_n7BEmlQLn-Y2r-l9kNF13NZ1oMdiqTkJk9uKl96FlPRWlockQrBiadeS36dRuSBFjeF2P_FA7-QuippjGHpLI1xWOTclhYCYEw3CuRQ9-z9TRpXBTrpdkyovtjasmy6lN1TRPBBl4/s1600-h/IMG_2681.JPG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 224px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 400px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5394376651675572066" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEij2_n7BEmlQLn-Y2r-l9kNF13NZ1oMdiqTkJk9uKl96FlPRWlockQrBiadeS36dRuSBFjeF2P_FA7-QuippjGHpLI1xWOTclhYCYEw3CuRQ9-z9TRpXBTrpdkyovtjasmy6lN1TRPBBl4/s400/IMG_2681.JPG" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYHLhCSVLxGkileXMbrP9P38qW4tn88VbQhHouODlN4q73ZB1UH9IoJGrXTalH2QMwvMuuVBWUTQu6LUERCnNgE7vDRzKNS7T2jKt1HhOv6XXX0wgJfMWuE_HIaYcsgJYgu9yKpGr6TaQ/s1600-h/IMG_2682.JPG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 224px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 400px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5394376643187195858" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYHLhCSVLxGkileXMbrP9P38qW4tn88VbQhHouODlN4q73ZB1UH9IoJGrXTalH2QMwvMuuVBWUTQu6LUERCnNgE7vDRzKNS7T2jKt1HhOv6XXX0wgJfMWuE_HIaYcsgJYgu9yKpGr6TaQ/s400/IMG_2682.JPG" /></a><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5X3CNLaEvcc3-Kn0nw7MqJToRsUmfPHYnKA8axMcHTPISsnkqC5gbTtuHJKtUv66oz2_37U60mxk7KVmTPrSigqYRCAwAf22g77uUdsOhPJjdTESMvZX1Eu6LL-J45Ns8sH6Jrv82FoU/s1600-h/IMG_2684.JPG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 224px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 400px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5394376632023123522" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5X3CNLaEvcc3-Kn0nw7MqJToRsUmfPHYnKA8axMcHTPISsnkqC5gbTtuHJKtUv66oz2_37U60mxk7KVmTPrSigqYRCAwAf22g77uUdsOhPJjdTESMvZX1Eu6LL-J45Ns8sH6Jrv82FoU/s400/IMG_2684.JPG" /></a><br /><br /><br /><div></div></div><br /></div>Alishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17213136633055248109noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1888724479748278423.post-17776577707533761402009-10-13T16:02:00.001-04:002010-06-01T22:10:55.155-04:00October 15th<div align="center">Any other Mother that has lost a baby will probably already know this. In case someone is reading who hasn't lost a baby and wants to remember these little lives that have touched us so much, please light a candle on October 15th @ 7pm.</div><div align="center"> </div><div align="center"><a href="http://miscarriage.about.com/od/copingwithmiscarriages/qt/october15.htm">http://miscarriage.about.com/od/copingwithmiscarriages/qt/october15.htm</a></div><div align="center"> </div><div align="center"><a href="http://www.october15th.com/">http://www.october15th.com/</a></div>Alishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17213136633055248109noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1888724479748278423.post-7220902052551904672009-10-13T15:24:00.002-04:002010-06-01T22:10:55.156-04:00Lost<div align="center">I lost my cat. Wednesday evening we let her out for a bit...and I completely forgot about her. My husband assumed I brought her in when he locked up for the night. She normally hangs out in the basement most of the day and comes out @ night. So when I didn't see her on Thursday, I didn't think anything of it. Then Thursday night we were out celebrating our anniversary. We were gone most of Saturday and out of town Sunday and Monday. This morning I asked Chad if he had seen the cat recently. He said "No" and that is when it hit me. What kind of person loses their cat and doesn't realize it for a week! I am so upset and don't know what to do. The last time we let her out and didn't bring her in until late she was attacked by either a raccoon or another cat. Now it has been a whole week! She is 12 and has her front paws declawed. I just picture her lying dead somewhere. I picture her sitting on our porch wondering why no one would let her in. I picture her @ the Humane Society being euthanized. </div><div align="center"> </div><div align="center">What kind of person am I? She was my very first baby and I LOST her. Just put her outside one night and never let her back in. I feel so ashamed and so guilty and mostly so so so sorry. I pray maybe by some miracle someone kept her and is giving her the kind of attention she deserves. My poor, poor Dottie</div>Alishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17213136633055248109noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1888724479748278423.post-49495582593098520642009-09-27T09:58:00.001-04:002010-06-01T22:10:55.156-04:00Honest Scrap<div align="center"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDE8N6SUtsTfBzpg4EnDuXEqsIIZskT06B0OXFTeTlpI8EW9cmL3lUbU8Zq80Oox4yasOe8uHZDV-EbryhefeJoR1fqddHRgTVr4NclDcIN1VGxFBNKhhjmFdGvZ27NdtZDpCbchTMBTA/s1600-h/honestscrap.png"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 215px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 208px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5385450545236471330" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDE8N6SUtsTfBzpg4EnDuXEqsIIZskT06B0OXFTeTlpI8EW9cmL3lUbU8Zq80Oox4yasOe8uHZDV-EbryhefeJoR1fqddHRgTVr4NclDcIN1VGxFBNKhhjmFdGvZ27NdtZDpCbchTMBTA/s400/honestscrap.png" /></a> Thank you <a href="http://lifeafterleila.blogspot.com/">Leila's mommy </a>for nominating me! Sorry it has taken me so long to post this!</div><br /><div align="center"></div><br /><div align="center"><br />Here are the rules:</div><br /><div align="center"></div><br /><div align="center">1. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs who you find brilliant in content or design.</div><br /><div align="center"></div><br /><div align="center">2. Show the 7 winners’ names and links on your blog, and leave a comment (on their blog) informing them that they have won the Honest Scrap award.</div><br /><div align="center"></div><br /><div align="center">3. Tell us 7 honest things about yourself.</div><br /><div align="center"></div><br /><div align="center">These are the blogs I am nominating. I'm sure some of you may have been nominated before. If so, it must be a compliment!</div><br /><div align="center"></div><br /><div align="center">1. Shana @ <a href="http://blazeandcrochet.blogspot.com/">http://blazeandcrochet.blogspot.com/</a></div><br /><div align="center">2. Lindsey @ <a href="http://livinglifeaswego.blogspot.com/">http://livinglifeaswego.blogspot.com/</a></div><br /><div align="center">3. Heidi @ <a href="http://joshandheidisjourney.blogspot.com/">http://joshandheidisjourney.blogspot.com/</a></div><br /><div align="center">4. Jamie @ <a href="http://theflukenfamily.blogspot.com/?zx=42643394632235bd">http://theflukenfamily.blogspot.com/?zx=42643394632235bd</a></div><br /><div align="center">5. Christina @ <a href="http://scfmrankinfamily.blogspot.com/">http://scfmrankinfamily.blogspot.com/</a></div><br /><div align="center">6. Christina @ <a href="http://littlegraciev.blogspot.com/">http://littlegraciev.blogspot.com/</a></div><br /><div align="center">7. Julia @ <a href="http://wontfearlove.blogspot.com/">http://wontfearlove.blogspot.com/</a><br /></div><br /><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center">Seven honest things about me. Hmm... This may be tough.</div><div align="center"></div><div align="center">1. I have 2 dogs and a cat that I feel don't get nearly enough attention since my daughter was born. I feel tremendously guilty for this. I try to remind myself that they are loved, sheltered, fed and happy and that there are many animals out there that aren't.</div><div align="center"></div><div align="center">2. I often call my daughter just "Kensi" in public b/c I love her full name so much (Kensington) and I am afraid someone will hear it and use it someday. It is a very unique name and I don't want it to become the next "Emma". As if I could single-handedly prevent that! LOL</div><div align="center"></div><div align="center">3. My daughter eats breakfast in front of the TV every morning. It allows Mommy time to wake up... and surf the net.</div><div align="center"></div><div align="center">4. I struggled with infertility. I have PCOS. Kensington came as a "Christmas Miracle" while we were on a break waiting to start injectibles. I got a surprise call from the nurse not to take the first injection that night b/c I was pregnant. Her estimated conception date? Christmas Eve or Christmas Day!</div><div align="center"></div><div align="center">5. I often feel guilty that my struggle with PCOS has been mild compared to so many wonderful women I know. My problem is corrected by treating the underlying problem of insulin resistance, for others it is not so easy. My heart breaks for these women. Many of them close friends.</div><div align="center"></div><div align="center">6. I am pretty boring I think. I love to read, watch TV. I do better in small groups of people. Actually one on one. I kinda sink into the background in bigger groups of people. </div><div align="center"></div><div align="center">7. I have ADD. I get very overwhelmed @ times and have no idea how to organize myself. Consequently, if I have a ton of stuff that needs to be done...well.... I either flip out or nothing gets done at all. I'm one of those people that start to clean in one room (kitchen) and go to return something somewhere else (bedroom) and then start cleaning that room...until I find something that belongs somewhere else! LOL! I am getting better. I have recognized ways to "talk" myself out of being so overwhelmed, but it is definitely a continuing struggle.</div><div align="center"></div><div align="center">Well, there you go. Seven honest scraps about me. I guess I did them more like "confessions". I would love it if when you do your "Honest Scrap" you leave me a link in one of my comments so I can read yours too. No pressure. Have fun. Take your time. I look forward to learning little tidbits about everyone!</div>Alishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17213136633055248109noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1888724479748278423.post-57624102990035771192009-09-23T21:56:00.003-04:002010-06-01T22:10:55.157-04:00Unexpected Suprise<div align="center">I am currently 27 weeks pregnant. Officially in the 3rd trimester. We went to the MFM for an u/s on Monday and got some great pictures. This first one made me a little sad. This pose is the same way we last saw our Clarence on u/s. His feet up above his head, comfortable for him I guess. And when we went to the hospital the next day and learned his heart had stopped beating....well, he was still in that position. Seeing this baby like that tugged on my heart strings a bit, as I am sure you can imagine.<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZbN1ZgQ9R8U8uZQJ7reyrKG1jXrxpRJIT0E0UlyXRArZsWgoxm0k_fP0045e435zCOdubcy6fE6UFVNomhj_QSwbK4rfpSthRWsBG4RQSFXqnCreuzI_QIJyPoJS3k4tb30IpGMrlPl0/s1600-h/img045.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 348px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5384847665543159090" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZbN1ZgQ9R8U8uZQJ7reyrKG1jXrxpRJIT0E0UlyXRArZsWgoxm0k_fP0045e435zCOdubcy6fE6UFVNomhj_QSwbK4rfpSthRWsBG4RQSFXqnCreuzI_QIJyPoJS3k4tb30IpGMrlPl0/s400/img045.jpg" /></a>Love the little foot print.<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQH1ad9RhEhqYTijUEW2SuwyZ7TGIRzDihhS7DSHxjGif4-HrA33lJdw4o8nv8PO2Rx9Yab-3l_g2a-BdKj93YqkD8hjHWWcFFlJ3q8qbELKqGM2PzBa0DYLzZsN5E2UnI-3nqhyQ0Pc4/s1600-h/img044.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5384847657635149282" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQH1ad9RhEhqYTijUEW2SuwyZ7TGIRzDihhS7DSHxjGif4-HrA33lJdw4o8nv8PO2Rx9Yab-3l_g2a-BdKj93YqkD8hjHWWcFFlJ3q8qbELKqGM2PzBa0DYLzZsN5E2UnI-3nqhyQ0Pc4/s400/img044.jpg" /></a> And this looks to me to be a strong soccer leg! No wonder I feel those strong kicks!<br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAOBLO-xs5ifcg-iP3H0FcIPQqIF1fM9H12-Hpb97Ogrff9l4d4-QoG01nN3uibnkvz4FxSa3iw-0gqps7CWOC8O2sTUjM6hzGV6LAD0g5Sd3XEDYS9P7QnChAU88O_RM0zAt2G6YMzNk/s1600-h/img041.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 325px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5384847650534033186" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAOBLO-xs5ifcg-iP3H0FcIPQqIF1fM9H12-Hpb97Ogrff9l4d4-QoG01nN3uibnkvz4FxSa3iw-0gqps7CWOC8O2sTUjM6hzGV6LAD0g5Sd3XEDYS9P7QnChAU88O_RM0zAt2G6YMzNk/s400/img041.jpg" /></a><br /><br />But the best picture? This one here. I didn't even know they could do a 3D u/s there. The u/s tech. just said, lets see if we can get some 3D pics and before I could reply (I have never had a desire for one b/c I feel it is like peeking @ your presents before Christmas) she had the first picture up! Needless to say, I was very suprised and VERY happy we got it. AND it was free! I think he is rather handsome. How 'bout you?<br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSsAFCl_DT72dJN5rkwwdcF1_jGNAyutIkGI9VfQ6tMy1ramaAdCfYb-cqyfTCefSuiTJBCSbH4VvFpsoXSixl2kUckSobwleP8RTUAcoIhHtomSOoX2x0Mct7wtUkkJUGmlgihMw6vkE/s1600-h/img039.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 324px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5384847647637852946" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSsAFCl_DT72dJN5rkwwdcF1_jGNAyutIkGI9VfQ6tMy1ramaAdCfYb-cqyfTCefSuiTJBCSbH4VvFpsoXSixl2kUckSobwleP8RTUAcoIhHtomSOoX2x0Mct7wtUkkJUGmlgihMw6vkE/s400/img039.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><div></div></div></div><br /></div>Alishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17213136633055248109noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1888724479748278423.post-255530147289413732009-09-22T13:14:00.004-04:002010-06-01T22:10:55.157-04:00Shit<div align="center">I had an eye exam today. I love the doctor I go to see. He is very friendly and is always happy to talk about his grand kids and asks many questions about my family. I almost made it though the appointment without mentioning Clarence. In the end though, as he was comparing my exam from today to last year, he must have saw where he made a note that I had been pregnant. He kinda stumbled for a minute and then seem confused. And then, God love him, he said "Did you lose one?" Plain and simple, not awkward, not apologetic, just matter of fact. He wasn't afraid of "reminding me" or "hurting my feelings". Maybe that would make some people mad that he asked so nonchalant like that. But it was OK with me. Others would have stumbled, been confused and then ignored the "elephant in the room". He didn't. We even talked about my pregnancy hormones. He made the comment (b/c we were talking about the meds I take) that the child bearing years wreck havoc on your hormones but once you are done having kids they seem to level out and you get some relief. "That shit does go away" he said. I had to laugh. My "shit" has been with me long before pregnancy, but I pray he is right and that it has just been exacerbated these last few years. I would love for my "shit" to go away or @ the very least even out and tame down! I bet Chad would be happy with that too ;)</div>Alishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17213136633055248109noreply@blogger.com3