9 Months & A Birthday

As of the 28th it has been nine months since we said goodbye to our sweet boy. I made a mental note of it @ the beginning of the week, that the day was approaching. It wasn't until I crawled into bed on the evening of the 28th that I realized what day it was. It had been a horribly emotional day. Overwhelmed, stressed, on edge and just worn out. A lot of that had to do with my daughters birthday party coming up the next day. And then that brought about another thought. At Kensi's party last year I was newly pregnant with Clarence and we hadn't told our friends and family yet. It was so exciting b/c after the cake and ice cream we changed her into an outfit that said "I'm the Big sister" and waited for everyone to notice. What sweet memories. I look back @ those pictures from her party, when he was safely snuggled inside of me and smile. Then I want to cry. Because that was the innocent me. The innocent us. So unaware of the storm ahead of us. That just in a few months our world would split down the middle and we would go tumbling through the crack.

Emotional Mess

I have been an emotional mess this pregnancy. Not necessarily for the reasons you would think. Not about losing Clarence. Not about being scared to lose this baby. At least not overwhelmingly so. Just sad, tired and ..... I don't know what else. Maybe subconsciously it is about Clarence and fear? I don't know. I just wish it would get better. I wanna enjoy these last months of Mommy hood with my daughter as an only (live) child.

I Don't Know What To Say

To my babylost momma friends,

I read your blogs. They move me and make me think. They help me understand some of my own feelings that I can't quite put my finger on. Most of the time I don't know what to say in your comments. That bothers me. I start to write a comment and I feel it sounds superficial, so I will erase it. But I want you all to know I am there reading and supporting you. Maybe I should just write "I was here"?

I don't want you to think I am not here. That I am not listening. I am.

I just don't know what to say always.....

All my love,

Alisha

Clarence's Teddy Bear

Here is a picture of my DD Kensington hold the Teddy Bear the hospital gave to Clarence.

20w1d

Or read that as 20 weeks 1 day. That is how pregnant I was when we lost Clarence and that is how pregnant I am today.

We had our anatomy scan yesterday. Everything was just wonderful. Healthy and thriving, moving and posing. So different from our 20 week with Clarence. I mean he appeared to be thriving and growing just fine. Some of his measurements were a week or a few days behind, which is totally normal. But he wasn't active @ all. But because he had a strong HB, there was really no concern.

We found out we are having a boy! I think Clarence had a little something to do with that. What a little angel he is. I was worried how I would feel about another son. I am absolutely happy though....and nervous! I only know about little baby girls so far. A boy will be a whole new adventure.

A bitter sweet u/s yesterday. And a bitter sweet day today. I think Clarence was up there working his magic today to help his Mommy through the day. He's made sure his little brother in my womb has been making his presence known to Mommy all day with little kicks and thumps! What a glorious feeling.

July 31st

I can't believe it, but it has been a year already. Not since Clarence died and was born, but since he first came into our lives. We didn't yet know it but this day in 2008 (or shortly before or after) a very special thing happened. A sperm and an egg came together and the miracle of life began. Kinda embarrassing to write about his conception...but that is the REAL beginning of his life, right? A little secret taking root in Mommy's womb.... What a beautiful day!

And what a difference that life would make.