Sunday, January 4, 2009

Another Rough End To The Weekend.

I don't know why I get so sad when the weekend ends. All weekend long I complain about people staying with us getting on my nerves and then when they leave I feel sad. Right now my emotions are so raw and so disproportionate to things. I feel like I am on a roller coaster that is out of control. That no one has ridden before and no one can tell my how to navigate it or take the control back.

I just want my life back so I can deal with the grief of losing my son and move on. I feel like a prepubescent teenager stuck in a woman's body..... I feel like a failure. I don't know how to just live life. I am always fretting about things I have no control over.

I miss my baby boy more than any words could ever express. I had problems with the pregnancy. A Subchorionic Hematoma was diagnosed around 8 weeks into the pregnancy. And while our little man was growing and thriving in there, the SCH was making me a mad women. Six different times I had hemorrhaging....six...different....times!!! Do you know what that does to a pregnant women. You are not supposed to bleed when you are pregnant! Let alone having it come out of you like someone released a dam. The doctors said nothing could be done to improve the situation. That as the baby got bigger he would be like a tourniquet to the bleed and it should all resolve. I decided that wasn't good enough and after finding an online support group decided bed rest and lots of water would be the key. And after 2 weeks of strict bed rest....the clot was gone!! However there was a little bit of bleeding noted by my cervix. Nothing to be concerned with though. So up and about I was. Never doing anything too strenuous. A week and a half or 2 weeks went by and then I had ANOTHER bleed. I couldn't catch a break. The baby was fine as usual, but the bleed remained and was a bit bigger this time. I tried to take it easy again. They said bed rest wouldn't make a difference, but here I had just come off of it after healing and look what happened. I had another SCH.

Then came the follow up appointment with the Maternal/Fetal medicine doctor. Our little boy was doing beautifully. I was 20 weeks. The SCH was still there...not the best news. The tech spent FOREVER doing the u/s, trying to see the umbilical cord correctly. The baby was comfortable and wouldn't budge. Apparently he was using part of the umbilical cord as his pillow. They suspected that I had a Velametous Cord insertion problem. Where the umbilical cord doesn't take root in the placenta, but in the membranes around it. This also leaves an area of the cord exposed, not covered with the Wharton's Jelly, and very vulnerable. This is not always a problem unless the exposed area runs low, across the mother's cervix. Then it presents a problem with labor starts and the water breaks, because the exposed cord is very fragile and could rupture, leaving the baby to bleed out in a matter of minutes. So the doctor told me that if that were the case they would schedule me for delivery by c section well before I would go into labor on my own. Pretty scary, huh? He wanted to see me back in a month to confirm their suspicions. In the meantime, no special orders. No bed rest or anything. WTF?? I couldn't understand that. And he never did say there was a risk other than going into labor on my own. I was really surprised.

So you can imagine my surprise when the very next day, Thanksgiving Day, after not being able to find his heartbeat on our home Doppler we learned he had passed. At the hospital poor Chad had to sit and watch the monitor and see before I did that his little heart wasn't beating. Then he had to watch me, as they turned the monitor my way and the doctor said "the reason you couldn't find his heartbeat with your Doppler is because his heart is not beating". I will never forget those words. Or the kind soft way she said them. It was all so surreal. I had to be induced to give birth. He was born the next morning, Nov. 28th @ 5:24 am, 10.2 ounces and 10 inches long. He was PERFECT from head to toe. Perfect nose, nipples, arms, hands, legs and toes. He had the same nose as his brother and sister. We have so many mementos from that day. His little hat and gown, pictures, inked feet and hand prints and an impression of his feet in plaster.

I feel so empty without him. I feel so alone in my grief. No one wants to talk about it, including my husband, unless I bring it up. Everyone is afraid I am too fragile and will break if they say something or they will cause me more pain. The thing is them saying nothing is breaking me and hurting me more. It makes me feel like he is forgotten, as well as my pain. Maybe I am supposed to be "over it" by now in their eyes. But that will never be the case. It feels so cruel and unfair having him taken, so young and so innocent. And we may never have answers as to why. Just a bunch of speculation on what "maybe" happened. It helps to talk about it. Every bit of what happened it helps to talk about. So maybe this blog is the answer for me. Thank you Tracey for this suggestion. You are a wonderful friend!


Tracey said...

Hey, sweetie. I definitely think writing it down will help you get the feelings and emotions out, so they don't weigh so heavily on your shoulders. Clarence will never be forgotten, and not just with you. And you know I'm always here for you, as are some other friends of yours. Love ya, Alisha!


The Flukens said...

Oh Alisha, this blog is a great idea. I have tears in my eyes this very moment. My heart goes out to you. I honestly don't know how women get over a miscarriage, it is just the worst thing that could happen to a mom but I know that somehow they do. Well, I don't know about get over it as much as learn how to live with it. I think you just take it a day at a time. Clarence will always be in your heart! Love ya sweetie!

Bianca said...

Hi Sweetie. I think you starting this blog is a really good idea and a great way to get all of your feelings out there. I really feel for you and I'm sorry you feel like you're alone in this. A lot of the things you say reminds me of my mindset. Especially the part about being sad that the weekend is over. Well, I start dreading Monday morning on Friday night. I've always seen the glass as half empty instead of half full. I do know you're stronger than you think you are and you WILL pull through this. You just have to belive in yourself first. Don't doubt your strength. You've been through so much lately and you're still here! Love you. (((hugs)))

Anonymous said...

I didn't know - I came across this link in your sig. at SC. I'm so very sorry! I can't imagine your grief. I don't know what to say except that I truly am sorry.


Lexie said...

Hey Alisha-

I still follow your posts since we were so close in the pregnancy and I'm still so shocked and saddened by it all.

I'm glad you have decided to write about it though. Hopefully that will help some.

I'm having baby issues of my own right now...the baby has a kidney problem but won't know much more for a couple more weeks.

Take care of yourself...the rest of your family needs you! =)

Kristina said...

Alisha, I'm so glad you found a way to express yourself. I felt and feel some of the same emotions that you do after my loss. I have absolutely no answers to my second trimester loss. I, thanks to you, used the Baby Beat doppler and possibly heard the baby's heartbeat the day before he died. Saying that comforts me and makes me very sad at the same time. I still can picture the MD going "Ms. Johnson I'm sorry but there is no heartbeat." I tried to suck it up and be strong but I wanted to just be left alone till my DH arrived. I think society just expects you to suck it up and deal with the fact that you had a m/c... oh it happens to everyone right? We're mothers... we never forget our babies. It's not as easy as putting a Bandaid on it and going on with our lives. There is nothing that will make it all OK, only time makes it better to deal with. I am not a doctor but I think the emotions you are going through are highly normal. And after going through giving birth and whatnot it could be moreso like PTSD. Unfortunately, they make a label for everything but a broken heart. If you ever need anyone to talk to please don't hesitate.

R0xyg4l AKA Kristina, your soulcyster

Gidget said...

Alisha--this is a really good idea. In my experience, people who have never lost a child or miscarried just don't know what to say to those who have. It's such a solitary, lonely experience. I have been comforted by others who told me about their losses in the past and went on to have healthy children, but they never do forget the ones that they lost. I don't think you will ever forget clarence....he was and is a part of you, who you are, and who you will become. I'm still thinking of you!