Thursday, May 28, 2009
I would love to say it doesn't feel like it. Like it feels like just yesterday. But it doesn't. It almost feels like it happened in an alternate reality. It feels so surreal that I (Me, Alisha) was pregnant with a perfect little boy that just died in my womb. Died. I have a child that was born dead. It feels so far away. So far away. He was born (dead of course) on November, 28th. His heart stopped beating sometime on November 27th. So I have had this morbid thought in my head about how his tombstone would read? "Born 11/28/08, Died 11/27/08"? Or 11/28/08 -11/27/08? Weird isn't it?
Back to my original thought though. He just feels so far away. Further than 6 months. Further than....I don't know what. He is only going to get further and further.
In the weeks following his death, I would cry myself to sleep @ night. Sometimes clutching the teddy bear or blanket they gave him in the hospital. Always smelling him before going to bed. Taking in the aroma of the little gowns and hats that he wore.
I still haven't (and @ this point probably won't) washed them. It has been awhile since I have opened the Ziploc baggy and breathed them in. A smell that is so sweet and so sad @ the same time. I don't know what I will do when the smell fades away. It will just be another part of him further away from me.
Today I reread a post on a forum I am a member of. It was posted by my husband to inform my dear friends that our little boy had passed. My eyes swelled with tears and the tears spilled over. I know on some level I think of him everyday. Whether it be specifically him, or maybe the memory of how terrifying the pregnancy was and how more terrifying it makes THIS pregnancy. It was nice to take a moment today and really think of him and what occurred on this day 6 months ago.
So please, if you will. Take a moment and think of my sweet Clarence today. And I will smile in appreciation of how many people this little life touched.
Thank you for all your love and support.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
My husband had a dream the other night.
When I was pregnant with Kensington, he dreamed I was pregnant with a girl and he was right. When I was pregnant with Clarence, he dreamed I was pregnant with a boy and he was right. So when he originally told me the other day that he dreamed that we were gonna have a boy this time, I figured "OK, boy it is". But further inquiry, (because let's face it, guys tend to be sparse on the details) revealed that he actually dreamed we had a little boy and he saw him as a toddler. So now I wonder if he was dreaming of the child I am carrying now or if his dream was really of Clarence and what might have been? I'd like to think his dream was of Clarence. Maybe Clarence was visiting his Daddy in his dream. Isn't that a beautiful thought? I hope that he chooses to visit me in my dreams someday. Right now though, I don't think my heart could handle it.
The wheels have been turning now and I have been trying to assess how I'd feel if indeed Tweet is a boy. Honestly? I am terrified of that. I want the experience of raising a son. I do. But somehow I feel.... I don't know. I mean he wouldn't be Clarence. That is an awful lot for another little boy to follow. I mean in my heart I know I would love him and wouldn't change a thing.... but right now it just seems like it would be so much easier if Tweet was a girl. I need to reconcile this feeling. I need to make peace with the idea that this baby could very well be a boy. And that that is OK. I need to figure this out. I don't want to be disappointed to be carrying a son. I want to be happy. I want to be @ peace with whatever God has planned for our family. I don't know how to do that. But I am working on it.