Sunday, July 26, 2009
Someone new read my blog. They told me that my son was "adorable". How wonderful that felt to have someone say that. Someone who isn't family, isn't a "member" of this terrible club. I hardly know her in fact. That single sentence made me so happy. A lot of people don't have the courage to speak so freely. I made sure to tell her how much I truly appreciated that. I too think he is adorable!
Monday, July 20, 2009
It's been awhile. I hadn't realized how long. Everything here is going well. Perfect really. Maybe I shouldn't have said that? I am 18 weeks today. I am thinking of Clarence a lot lately as I am quickly approaching the point in this pregnancy that we lost him. I was exactly 20 weeks when I got my last u/s with him. And I will be exactly 20 weeks for my next u/s with this one. This time we will be celebrating, hopefully, good, glorious news. With Clarence we received the news that there may have been further complications on the way. They suspected a Velamentous Cord Insertion, or VCI. It was never actually confirmed though b/c he passed away the next day.
I wonder if it hurt? Him dying, I mean. Did he just fall asleep and slip away? This baby is always so active when we listen with the Doppler. Clarence really wasn't. So I wonder if he was weak from all the bleeding I was experiencing. These are thoughts that are fresh to me. They have just recently occurred. I really hope he didn't suffer. Someone told me that the only thing he ever new was his mommas warmth and the coziness of my womb. I had never thought of it like that. I had always thought of it as I had failed him. It's a new way to see things I guess. It certainly is true.
Why, why, why? I still wonder why. And while I wish things were different, then I wouldn't have this sweet baby I am carrying now. I mean if Clarence had come early, maybe...but not likely. It's a weird feeling knowing the baby in your womb would not be here if the one you yearned for hadn't died. How ironic is that?
Sorry this post is just a bunch of rambling. I came on here thinking I had nothing much to say. guess I should do that more often?