Monday, July 20, 2009

Some Good & Some Bad

It's been awhile. I hadn't realized how long. Everything here is going well. Perfect really. Maybe I shouldn't have said that? I am 18 weeks today. I am thinking of Clarence a lot lately as I am quickly approaching the point in this pregnancy that we lost him. I was exactly 20 weeks when I got my last u/s with him. And I will be exactly 20 weeks for my next u/s with this one. This time we will be celebrating, hopefully, good, glorious news. With Clarence we received the news that there may have been further complications on the way. They suspected a Velamentous Cord Insertion, or VCI. It was never actually confirmed though b/c he passed away the next day.
I wonder if it hurt? Him dying, I mean. Did he just fall asleep and slip away? This baby is always so active when we listen with the Doppler. Clarence really wasn't. So I wonder if he was weak from all the bleeding I was experiencing. These are thoughts that are fresh to me. They have just recently occurred. I really hope he didn't suffer. Someone told me that the only thing he ever new was his mommas warmth and the coziness of my womb. I had never thought of it like that. I had always thought of it as I had failed him. It's a new way to see things I guess. It certainly is true.
Why, why, why? I still wonder why. And while I wish things were different, then I wouldn't have this sweet baby I am carrying now. I mean if Clarence had come early, maybe...but not likely. It's a weird feeling knowing the baby in your womb would not be here if the one you yearned for hadn't died. How ironic is that?
Sorry this post is just a bunch of rambling. I came on here thinking I had nothing much to say. guess I should do that more often?


Anonymous said...

Thinking of you and hoping things keep going uneventful - nice to hear from you again. xo

Michele said...

i dont think you are rambling. i'm glad your pg is going well. the milestones are hard to pass.

i often think of the journey that has brought us to these babies. it's hard to think about. but, if this is the only way that i could have them all, then i'm grateful for every moment.

Laura said...

Thinking of you and praying for a peaceful and uneventful pregnancy with a happy ending. I too wonder about when my son actually passed- I like to think it was peaceful from the loving home I made for him, straight to the arms of God!
I also had my daughter soon after my loss and while they both could have been there- it was likely that she would not have been. I don't understand the 'whys' of why babies are lost- but I try to learn from the blessings my angel has sent to me. They are priceless and still shown in so many ways. I too am pregnant again and it scares me as I get closer to the end of my pregnancy- Hang in there though-
Laura D.

Anonymous said...

"It's a weird feeling knowing the baby in your womb would not be here if the one you yearned for hadn't died. How ironic is that?"

A feeling I have often... this is definitely our last child, and I sometimes feel so conflicted with that feeling.