Dead

I can't believe my mom is dead. 

The soundtrack of my mind?

My mom is dead.  My mother is dead.  My mom DIED.  My mom is dead.  DEAD.   I can't believe my mother is dead.  My mom is dead.

dead

dead

dead

dead

Repeat, over & over & over......

A Beautiful Day To Honor Beautiful Mothers

Thank you Carly!

Caught By Surprise

Last night I was talking to my stepson Brenden about my mother dying.  He was unable to come to the memorial services because he was on spring break with his mother.  I wanted to talk with him about it a little and see how he felt and ask if  he had any questions. It had occurred to me that this was the only death he had ever experienced, aside from his great grandfather who died just weeks after he was born.  Or so I thought.  He reminded me otherwise....

Me: "This is the first person that you have know that has died, right?"

Brenden: "Well, except for Clarence"

I knew that.  It's not like I didn't know that.  I just didn't expect him to say that.  I wasn't even sure how much Clarence's death affected him because he never got the chance to meet him.

I looked @ him and kinda smiled.  "You mean your brother Clarence?" I said.  I asked because this was also the name of his great grandfather.

He nodded.

I don't remember my exact words after that.  I know I was happy (is that the right word?)... pleased maybe... that he remembered.  And more than a little embarrassed that I "forgot".  Not that I really forgot.  I mean, how could I?  I just didn't think he would consider that the same I guess?  I don't know.  It's hard to put into words why it caught me by surprise, but it did.  I knew his death had a profound affect on me and my husband.  I knew my mother's world crumbled when he died.. and yes my father and my in laws as well, but my mother for sure.  I guess I just never realized how it affected him.  It made my heart grow with warmth and love for him.  He truly is a great kid and I am so blessed to call him my son.

Brenden with Kensington

Company

Clarence has company in Heaven.  My mother, his grandma Gigi, died on March 23rd. 

That is about all I can manage right now.  I am still in shock.

Mommy Loves You

Thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, with which I'll never part. God has you in His keeping, I have you in my heart. ♥ Mommy loves you, Clarence...

I Don't Know What To Do With This

I spend a lot of time on F.aceBook. It keeps me sane to keep in touch with other mommies through out the day.

Recently there was a status update going around. Usually it is a statement of some sort and if you agree with it you are supposed to copy and paste it in as your status update too. I don't usually participate, but this particular one carried a good message and I wanted to. However, I didn't know HOW to.

It was something about "My body isn't perfect, but I nurtured (fill in the blank) children....."

I think you can see where I got tripped up. Just how many children has my body grown and nurtured? 2? 3? I hesitate to say that my body nurtured Clarence b/c, well, that is why he died... my placenta kept bleeding and could no longer provide him with the nutrients he needed to grow. And yes, he lived in my womb for 20 weeks, but I feel my body failed him. Was I nurturing him... or was he suffering? I'll never know. I'd like to think it was the former. It certainly appeared he was thriving, well, until he wasn't... right up until the day before his little heart stopped beating, he appeared to be thriving.

I didn't re post it, because, well..... I just didn't know what to do with it.

Ramblings

~I haven't posted here in forever. Life is going fine. It is a challenge juggling two children right now. Dell is, of course, a wonderful baby. He is exhausting though! Especially when I am running around after his sister too! He is up most days by about 4 or 5 am to nurse and after that wants to stay awake. That is hard on me because I am not smart enough to go to bed early! Nope. Not me. I want to stay up after Kensington and Brenden go to bed for some "me" time. I love my night times. I do a little laundry, run the dishwasher, catch up on the computer and am glued to my DVR. Then of course once I do make it to bed I want to read a little! It's a habit I have had forever and even if I only read just a page, I have to do it. During the day I have little energy or motivation and think about how tired I am. Night time I come alive.

~It's amazing to see how much my children look like I did in my baby/toddler pictures. Some of the pictures I have found of myself could easily be mistaken for Kensington. Just the other other day Chad and I were trying to decide whose nose she had. Then that night I was going through some old photos to put on FB. I came across a photo of myself @ KK's age and there was the nose... her nose! So funny. I looked exactly as she does now except for my hair was a lot straighter than hers which has some wave. As I kept going through the pics I came across one of me @ about 2 months old. Guess what? I was the spitting image of what Dell looks like right now. People keep telling me how much he looks like me and I just didn't see it. Well, if my baby pictures are any indication, I guess I do!

~So besides being busy and exhausted there is another reason I haven't posted here in awhile. I guess I am trying to figure out what belongs here on this blog. Do I end it? Do I continue it and write about my rainbow baby and other children/life else where? Or do I move forward here... no longer centering the blog around Clarence, but around my life as it is now, Clarence and other children, life events included?

~I gaze @ Dell and often wonder what Clarence would've looked like. Who he would've looked like. We did see him of course. We held him for hours. He had his sister's (mine I now know) button nose. But what would he look like NOW? Would he resemble Dell? It is hard to look @ my live son and not ask these questions....to not have a glimpse of who Clarence might have been. I know that Clarence is not Dell and Dell is not Clarence. They are separate. I don't ever want Dell to feel he lives in his brothers shadow. But I wonder when I look @ him. I can't help it.

~I also think a lot about what if Clarence had survived? What if by some miracle he had been born alive @ 20 weeks and lived? I would have an almost 2 1/2 year old, a 14 month old and a 6 week old! Wow!!

~I know I am blessed to have the children I have. But I am mourning a little as well. Chad wants to be done having kids and I just can't come to terms with never being pregnant again. It is such a sad thought to me. But with as crazy as my life is right now, could I even handle another child down the road? I have always said I wanted 3 children. And that is what I have. 4 actually, because I also have my stepson Brenden. So, 3 alive, 1 dead. I just don't know. I know I want another child some day and I know it is going to be next to impossible for me to come to terms with that not happening. For now I am gonna try my best to concentrate on enjoying my new little man and try to push the thoughts of more children aside. I guess we will cross that bridge when we get there. No sense in dwelling on it now.

Rambling over.

Lovin' That Face

Just a few of Mommy's favorites!

His "oooooo" face.

Christmas In Heaven

Merry Christmas sweet Clarence.

Hopefully all of our angels are celebrating Christmas in Heaven together.

A Quick Photo

Our Son

Clarence's baby brother, Dell Richard, entered this world on December 10th @ 1:07am. He weighed just 6lbs 6oz and was 19 1/2 inches long. As soon as I get some pictures on the computer I will proudly share.

What a sweet blessing we have this Christmas. Clarence was really looking out for us. His brother is perfect in every way, just as he was. His big sister, Kensington, just adores him, as does Brenden his older half brother.

Thank you Clarence. There will always being a space for you in our family, but having Dell it now feels more complete. I believe that is because of you. I love you!

Please Lend Your Support

I have unfortunately recently met a new mommy to an angel named Ben. Her heart is aching and she could use some of our love and support. Please stop on over and visit her here.

Wish You Were Here

A year ago today my sweet boy Clarence William entered this world silent. The tiniest of angels, he arrived @ 5:24 am only 10.2 ounces and 10 inches long. Happy Birthday sweet boy. You have changed our lives forever! We love and miss you everyday!

36 weeks 5 days

That's how far along I was when I gave birth to Kensington.

I will be 36 week and 5 days pregnant with this baby on November 28th... the day, last year, my sweet boy Clarence came into this world without a sound. Kind of ironic I think. It has me worried.

Please let this baby stay put in my womb longer than that. This seems to be the only thing I can think about lately. I want November 28th for Clarence. I want November for Clarence.

Please let December be for this baby.

PLEASE

Bittersweet

Tonight I am trying to get some things ready for the new baby on the way. In doing this I ran across a few things that were purchased for Clarence. A little preemie outfit that my mother bought, when we didn't know what to expect when he was delivered and I didn't want him to be naked. As tiny as it is it would've completely engulf him. A blanket my mother bought just weeks before he died. A little bib that says "I'm The Little Brother" on it and has dinosaurs, part of my first and only purchase for my son.

I've thought about it and thought about it. What to do with this stuff. Up until now it has been neatly tucked away with other mementos of his. Tonight, with the help of Chad, I decided it would be OK to put them in the wash with this baby's clothes. Chad says he thinks it would be OK with Clarence for his little brother to have these things.

Isn't that what big brothers do anyhow? Hand down their clothes and toys and friendship to their little brothers? This will be the one and only time Clarence is able to do that. It will bring a smile to my mouth and a tear to my eye every time I see this little baby wearing that bib or sleeper, or snuggling that blanket. I'll be sad that he is gone, but also so happy he is here. A part of our family still and always.

So bittersweet.

Retracing Time

This time last year. That is a phrase I hear in my head a lot lately. Everyday seems to have a memory attached to it from my pregnancy with Clarence. My husband's birthday for example. We went to the same restaurant as last year. Of course I couldn't help but think about "this time last year" when we followed dinner with a trip to the costume store for Halloween. How when I stood up out of the car, I had my biggest gush of blood yet. I had to walk to the bathroom in Target, trying to act and walk normal, while blood was pouring out of me. Then I had to try and act normal while my stepson tried to pick out a Halloween costume.

Thanksgiving is fast approaching. I have no idea how I want to spend it this year. It was on Thanksgiving day last year that I tried for hours to find my baby's heartbeat on the Doppler. I had to sit through the dinner, trying to be OK, wondering if my baby was dead. I am terrified what feelings will be stirred this year when I sit @ the table to eat my turkey. Do I want my family around? Or will that just make it more like "this time last year"? Maybe it should just be Chad, I and the kids? Or will that feel too empty? Maybe we should go to a friends? The offer has been put out there.

On top of all of this, as of this Friday my husband is without a job. Cut backs @ work. Sure he has some irons in the fire as far as other opportunities. Sure he gets a severance package. That doesn't stop me from stressing out over it all. Could the timing be any worse? Not that it is ever a good time to lose a job. But seriously? I am trying so hard to enjoy this pregnancy, as it may be my last, but feeling tired and stressed all the time doesn't help. I want to make these last weeks with my daughter special... she won't be my only (live) child for much longer. I feel like this baby is gonna come before I am ready. I wish I could turn back the clock some. I feel like I am in a pit and keep trying to dig my way out, only to have the dirt keep falling back down to cover me. I'm scratching for the surface trying to be a healthy, happy, functional adult.... but I usually end up feeling knocked down and like a child.

It's hard. Enjoy this pregnancy, be happy for my daughter, deal with the stress of life, struggle with my depression... and still take time to remember "this time last year". Take time to mourn the pregnancy and the son that I lost.

Sometimes I want to give in and just let the dirt win.

30 Weeks Pregnant

Just wanted to share some pictures we took last week. I actually had my hair and makeup done and was wearing something other than a t-shirt and yoga pants so we figured we'd take advantage!

October 15th

Any other Mother that has lost a baby will probably already know this. In case someone is reading who hasn't lost a baby and wants to remember these little lives that have touched us so much, please light a candle on October 15th @ 7pm.

http://miscarriage.about.com/od/copingwithmiscarriages/qt/october15.htm

http://www.october15th.com/

Lost

I lost my cat. Wednesday evening we let her out for a bit...and I completely forgot about her. My husband assumed I brought her in when he locked up for the night. She normally hangs out in the basement most of the day and comes out @ night. So when I didn't see her on Thursday, I didn't think anything of it. Then Thursday night we were out celebrating our anniversary. We were gone most of Saturday and out of town Sunday and Monday. This morning I asked Chad if he had seen the cat recently. He said "No" and that is when it hit me. What kind of person loses their cat and doesn't realize it for a week! I am so upset and don't know what to do. The last time we let her out and didn't bring her in until late she was attacked by either a raccoon or another cat. Now it has been a whole week! She is 12 and has her front paws declawed. I just picture her lying dead somewhere. I picture her sitting on our porch wondering why no one would let her in. I picture her @ the Humane Society being euthanized.

What kind of person am I? She was my very first baby and I LOST her. Just put her outside one night and never let her back in. I feel so ashamed and so guilty and mostly so so so sorry. I pray maybe by some miracle someone kept her and is giving her the kind of attention she deserves. My poor, poor Dottie

Honest Scrap

Thank you Leila's mommy for nominating me! Sorry it has taken me so long to post this!

Here are the rules:

1. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs who you find brilliant in content or design.

2. Show the 7 winners’ names and links on your blog, and leave a comment (on their blog) informing them that they have won the Honest Scrap award.

3. Tell us 7 honest things about yourself.

These are the blogs I am nominating. I'm sure some of you may have been nominated before. If so, it must be a compliment!

1. Shana @ http://blazeandcrochet.blogspot.com/

2. Lindsey @ http://livinglifeaswego.blogspot.com/

3. Heidi @ http://joshandheidisjourney.blogspot.com/

4. Jamie @ http://theflukenfamily.blogspot.com/?zx=42643394632235bd

5. Christina @ http://scfmrankinfamily.blogspot.com/

6. Christina @ http://littlegraciev.blogspot.com/

7. Julia @ http://wontfearlove.blogspot.com/

Seven honest things about me. Hmm... This may be tough.

1. I have 2 dogs and a cat that I feel don't get nearly enough attention since my daughter was born. I feel tremendously guilty for this. I try to remind myself that they are loved, sheltered, fed and happy and that there are many animals out there that aren't.

2. I often call my daughter just "Kensi" in public b/c I love her full name so much (Kensington) and I am afraid someone will hear it and use it someday. It is a very unique name and I don't want it to become the next "Emma". As if I could single-handedly prevent that! LOL

3. My daughter eats breakfast in front of the TV every morning. It allows Mommy time to wake up... and surf the net.

4. I struggled with infertility. I have PCOS. Kensington came as a "Christmas Miracle" while we were on a break waiting to start injectibles. I got a surprise call from the nurse not to take the first injection that night b/c I was pregnant. Her estimated conception date? Christmas Eve or Christmas Day!

5. I often feel guilty that my struggle with PCOS has been mild compared to so many wonderful women I know. My problem is corrected by treating the underlying problem of insulin resistance, for others it is not so easy. My heart breaks for these women. Many of them close friends.

6. I am pretty boring I think. I love to read, watch TV. I do better in small groups of people. Actually one on one. I kinda sink into the background in bigger groups of people.

7. I have ADD. I get very overwhelmed @ times and have no idea how to organize myself. Consequently, if I have a ton of stuff that needs to be done...well.... I either flip out or nothing gets done at all. I'm one of those people that start to clean in one room (kitchen) and go to return something somewhere else (bedroom) and then start cleaning that room...until I find something that belongs somewhere else! LOL! I am getting better. I have recognized ways to "talk" myself out of being so overwhelmed, but it is definitely a continuing struggle.

Well, there you go. Seven honest scraps about me. I guess I did them more like "confessions". I would love it if when you do your "Honest Scrap" you leave me a link in one of my comments so I can read yours too. No pressure. Have fun. Take your time. I look forward to learning little tidbits about everyone!