Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Ramblings

~I haven't posted here in forever. Life is going fine. It is a challenge juggling two children right now. Dell is, of course, a wonderful baby. He is exhausting though! Especially when I am running around after his sister too! He is up most days by about 4 or 5 am to nurse and after that wants to stay awake. That is hard on me because I am not smart enough to go to bed early! Nope. Not me. I want to stay up after Kensington and Brenden go to bed for some "me" time. I love my night times. I do a little laundry, run the dishwasher, catch up on the computer and am glued to my DVR. Then of course once I do make it to bed I want to read a little! It's a habit I have had forever and even if I only read just a page, I have to do it. During the day I have little energy or motivation and think about how tired I am. Night time I come alive.
~It's amazing to see how much my children look like I did in my baby/toddler pictures. Some of the pictures I have found of myself could easily be mistaken for Kensington. Just the other other day Chad and I were trying to decide whose nose she had. Then that night I was going through some old photos to put on FB. I came across a photo of myself @ KK's age and there was the nose... her nose! So funny. I looked exactly as she does now except for my hair was a lot straighter than hers which has some wave. As I kept going through the pics I came across one of me @ about 2 months old. Guess what? I was the spitting image of what Dell looks like right now. People keep telling me how much he looks like me and I just didn't see it. Well, if my baby pictures are any indication, I guess I do!
~So besides being busy and exhausted there is another reason I haven't posted here in awhile. I guess I am trying to figure out what belongs here on this blog. Do I end it? Do I continue it and write about my rainbow baby and other children/life else where? Or do I move forward here... no longer centering the blog around Clarence, but around my life as it is now, Clarence and other children, life events included?
~I gaze @ Dell and often wonder what Clarence would've looked like. Who he would've looked like. We did see him of course. We held him for hours. He had his sister's (mine I now know) button nose. But what would he look like NOW? Would he resemble Dell? It is hard to look @ my live son and not ask these questions....to not have a glimpse of who Clarence might have been. I know that Clarence is not Dell and Dell is not Clarence. They are separate. I don't ever want Dell to feel he lives in his brothers shadow. But I wonder when I look @ him. I can't help it.
~I also think a lot about what if Clarence had survived? What if by some miracle he had been born alive @ 20 weeks and lived? I would have an almost 2 1/2 year old, a 14 month old and a 6 week old! Wow!!
~I know I am blessed to have the children I have. But I am mourning a little as well. Chad wants to be done having kids and I just can't come to terms with never being pregnant again. It is such a sad thought to me. But with as crazy as my life is right now, could I even handle another child down the road? I have always said I wanted 3 children. And that is what I have. 4 actually, because I also have my stepson Brenden. So, 3 alive, 1 dead. I just don't know. I know I want another child some day and I know it is going to be next to impossible for me to come to terms with that not happening. For now I am gonna try my best to concentrate on enjoying my new little man and try to push the thoughts of more children aside. I guess we will cross that bridge when we get there. No sense in dwelling on it now.
Rambling over.

3 comments:

Shana said...

Alisha, i think you are doing great first of all. I don't think it is wrong to wonder about Clarence when you look at Dell. I also think you should move forward and use this blog as a way to talk about your entire family. Some days that will be about Clarence and some days it won't and that is ok. Your blog is a place for you to be you. Do what you want and say what you want. We love you regardless.

stina978 said...

Alisha - I could have written this post (inserting Corine and Holly for Clarence and Dell), but have at times been wondering the exact same things... Corine miscarried too early for any thought of viability, but still. It is a hard thing to look at the one and not wonder about the loss. If it were me, i would continue as you have been... do you have a blog for Dell? That may be an idea too...

Michele said...

I dont think you are rambling. I'm coming to terms with never being pregnant again either. It is hard...

I hope you continue your blog. I think that there is a lot to be told about life after having a baby AFTER losing a baby.