Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
A year ago today my sweet boy Clarence William entered this world silent. The tiniest of angels, he arrived @ 5:24 am only 10.2 ounces and 10 inches long. Happy Birthday sweet boy. You have changed our lives forever! We love and miss you everyday!
Friday, November 13, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Here are the rules:
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
And this looks to me to be a strong soccer leg! No wonder I feel those strong kicks!
But the best picture? This one here. I didn't even know they could do a 3D u/s there. The u/s tech. just said, lets see if we can get some 3D pics and before I could reply (I have never had a desire for one b/c I feel it is like peeking @ your presents before Christmas) she had the first picture up! Needless to say, I was very suprised and VERY happy we got it. AND it was free! I think he is rather handsome. How 'bout you?
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
And here is one for Clarence and his angel friend Casey. There was something very peaceful and calming that came over me while doing this.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
April 16th was a day all About Clarence. I posted in Kensington's blog about what we did.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Today's the day. April 16th, Clarence's estimated due date. How different things could have been. I am not sad today though. At least not yet. Just grateful for my little man and the time I had with him. He forever changed me...for the better. I love you little guy!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
If you believe in an afterlife, do you receive signs from your baby/ies? Have you ever felt their presence? Do you find them in nature? Do they visit you in your dreams?
It hangs in my rear view mirror. And I am not gonna lie. I feel him with me when I am near it.
As I drive with Kensington to and from play dates or on errands, I glance back @ her in the rear view mirror. Talking to her or singing with her or even checking to see if she has fallen asleep. And when I do, I catch a glimpse of this tiny little angel dangling from the mirror and I feel him there. He is with us on our outings. Waiting in the car to hear of our adventures when we return. Giggling along as I sing out loud and dance in the car, trying to make Kensi laugh and dance with me. He is there. And I am so so grateful for that.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
So today was a beautiful day. We were grilling outside when my neighbor came out with her daughter who is about 9 months old. I went inside to grab something and heard my husband ask her if she was pregnant. I'm thinking "What?!" Then came her answer. Yes she was 5 months pregnant. My stomach hit the floor. My heart sank. "That should be me" I thought. That was my dream. Two children so close together in age. It was hard enough dealing with PCOS trying to get pregnant the first time. The second came pretty easy and I was so grateful for that. Then I lost him. Now my dream of 2 children under 2 years apart is gone. I can't get that back. Can't get Clarence back. I feel like fate just slapped me in the face. The rational part of me knows it is not her fault. I want to be happy for her. From the outside it looks so easy for others. I can't help but wonder what I did to deserve the harder road. For all I know she doesn't have the "perfect" life that I imagine she does. I know you can't judge a book by it's cover. I don't care about her "perfect" life. I just want her perfect fertility and perfect pregnancy.
I am green with envy. Bright leprechaun green. Fitting for St. Patrick's day, huh?
Friday, March 13, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
I posted last month about my toe nail polish chipping away. It was polish that I had on since I was pregnant with Clarence and I was afraid for it to totally chip away. With the warmer weather this weekend I started to realize just how bad my feet looked and how much I needed to do something about it. I just couldn't bring myself to take off the polish though. So instead, I painted over it. It felt strangely liberating. Now I am not constantly looking down @ my toes and wondering what I am gonna do when it all comes off. And I didn't have to make the decision to take it off, wipe him away. It was the perfect solution I think.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
I will never get to rock my baby to sleep.
I will never get to whisper I love you into his ear and have him hear me.
I will never hear my sweet baby's cry....or his laughter.
I will never get to give my baby his first bath.
I will never get to breast feed my baby.
I will never get to see him crawl or take his first steps.
I will never hear him say "mommy".
I will never brush his hair or clip his nails.
I will never be able to give my baby a massage.
I will never be able to buy those cute little boy clothes I see when I go shopping.
I will never see his eyes.
I will never feel his hand grasp my finger.
I will never see him open a Christmas gift.
I will never sing him "Happy Birthday".
I will never watch him hunt for Easter eggs.
I will never teach him to ride a bike.
I will never send him off for his first day of school.
There will always be someone missing from our family photos.
There will always be someone missing from our dinner table.
There is a piece of my heart that is gone.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
I can't pray. I just can't do it. I don't go to church, never have. I have always prayed though. I prayed all through my pregnancy with Clarence. Every single night. I want to. The words won't come. My lips are frozen.
I wonder if He listens anyhow.
He doesn't seem to.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Why don't I dream of you? I want to. I think? What does it mean that my subconscious won't let me see you in my dreams? Why won't you visit me? I want so badly to see you. To have a glimpse of what life would be like with you here. Or will that destroy me? Maybe I don't want to dream of you. I feel like I should though. I should be dreaming of you. So why aren't I? Where are you?
Saturday, February 14, 2009
So here it is. I got a BFP the other day. My first cycle since Clarence's death. My OB had told me to wait 2 or 3 cycles before TTC again so that my body would have time to heal and there would be less chance of a miscarriage with a future pregnancy. There is some debate in the medical community about if this is really necessary. When we went to meet with the perinatologist to discuss the pathology report from my placenta and the possible causes of Clarence's death this very subject came up. He thought that once my body had it's first cycle that was the go ahead to try again. So I chose to believe what I WANTED to hear. As far as I was concerned we were cleared to try again. I also chose to believe that nothing bad could happen again. Or, I'm not sure I so much chose to believe it as the other words of advice just went in one ear and out the next. Selective memory you might say. I mean, God and fate wouldn't be so cruel, right? Especially since I have a beautiful little girl already, proof that my body was capable of doing this all the way. The right way. So I went into this BFP completely optimistic and astounded @ how blessed I was to be pregnant again so quickly. Jokes began flying between me and my husband again about his super sperm. It is funny how the mind works, isn't it? How could I so quickly forget all the bad I had recently been through?
I woke up the morning of my first OB appointment and decided it would be a wonderful idea to take a pregnancy test. I was so eager to see those two beautiful pink lines again. No sooner had I finished peeing on the stick that I suddenly thought "what if it is negative?" Oh crap! Of course it would be positive, right? I already began to feel sick to my stomach. Three minutes passed and sure enough the line was barely there. I mean BARELY there. Great. I know. I know. It doesn't matter how dark the line is. A line is a line is a line is a line. Right. I know. But I also knew the feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew it was over. Great. Lovely. Perfect. Now I had to sit and wait for the next 3 hours until my OB appointment.
At the OB the test came back negative and as I was talking to the midwife she looked down @ it again and started to see a line. Knocked down....given hope. They used my urine to dip another test. I got dressed (no sense in doing a PAP and first prenatal exam if I wasn't pregnant, right?) and met the midwife outside of the room by the lab. The 2ND test was negative. Knocked down. Whoosh! Kicked in the gut. This couldn't be happening. "This is supposed to be easy for you now after what you have been through" the midwife said. They drew some blood to do a beta test for pregnancy. I wouldn't get the results until the next day. For the second time in a row I left that OB office in despair. I am really starting to not like that place. Understatement. I HATE it. Liza, the midwife, promised to call in the morning with the results.
At this point I am thinking it was a chemical pregnancy. It suddenly smacks me in the face what I had conveniently chosen to forget. The OB said to wait 2 or 3 cycles for this very reason. You would think after losing Clarence I wouldn't be of the "this can't happen to me" mindset anymore. I learned one of the most humbling, horrifying lessons in just how invicible I wasn't. Instead, I had slipped right back into the mentality that I was. Damn!
Liza called the next morning and my beta came back @ 5. On the fence she said. I asked if she thought it could be a chemical pregnancy and she said she wasn't even thinking that yet, that hopefully it was still just too early. She wanted to repeat the beta the next day to check for doubling. Given hope. I rolled over in bed and attempted to go back to sleep. After tossing and turning for a little while I decided to get up. Knocked down. There was no longer any question. The bright red blood was evidence enough. Doubled over. Humbled again.
I should have stayed in bed with hope just a little bit longer. Damn.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
We were so excited. I think Chad was more shocked actually than anything. We told a select few people and decided that we would surprise the rest @ Kensington's first birthday party later that month.
Just a few short days before her party I started to have brown spotting. I felt sick to my stomach with worry. I had had spotting all through out the first trimester with Kensington, but that doesn't harden you to the fact that it is scary. I called the OB the first thing the next morning and they quickly scheduled me in for an ultra sound. You can imagine our relief when we saw the tiny blob below just flickering away! I was only 6 weeks pregnant and already there was a very strong heartbeat. I was in love.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
I feel angry. I feel cheated. I feel sad. I feel .... numb mostly. The whole experience of being pregnant and giving birth to my dead son feels so surreal. Sometimes I have to remind myself that it happened to me.
I haven't pulled out his little gowns and hats to look at in awhile. They smell like him and the hospital. It is a smell I both adore and despise. His gowns have blood and fluid stains on them. So do his hats. Part of me wants to wash one set and save the other set just how it is in hope to keep his smell forever. But then I don't know which one to wash. The first set he was in that is the most soiled? Or the last set, that isn't nearly as cute. So I do nothing. They sit up in my room in a Ziploc bag and a box we got from the hospital. They sit along with all the other mementos from the hospital. I need to get a nice big box to put all of these mementos in and the little things that we had bought for him while I was pregnant. Funny how I conveniently forget to do that whenever I am out. Something else I keep "forgetting" to do is to look for an urn. I don't even know where you buy one. Can you look online? Do these things make me a terrible mother?
I miss my baby boy, even though I never really knew him. Every time I hear of someone that has children close together I get upset. Or if someone with a child around Kensi's age is pregnant, I am jealous. That is supposed to be me. My children were supposed to be born 20 months apart from each other. Instead my son only lived for 20 weeks inside my womb. I don't live a very structured life. We are not on a tight day to day schedule. Bedtime is about the only routine that we keep. I don't make many plans for the future. The one plan I did make, to have my children close in age, was taken away. I felt so blessed and so lucky to find out I was pregnant with Clarence after only 3 months of trying. Some women with PCOS try years. I knew how lucky I was. I feel like fate took one look at me and decided I didn't deserve to be so happy. Like it wanted to wipe that smug look off of my face as I made jokes about my husbands "super sperm". I feel so humbled by this whole experience. Knocked to the ground and kicked in the gut several times over. Like I am being taunted and laughed at. "Oh your life is finally going the way you have always dreamed? Oh you are finally to the part you have wished for since you were a little girl. The part where you get to have a family?" I feel like the rug was jerked from underneath me, all my dreams stolen. What did I do to deserve this? What did I do to deserve to have a dead baby? I loved that little guy. I wanted to keep him safe. I couldn't do that. I feel like my body has failed me. I failed him. And I don't know why. I will never know why. Why did my placenta not develop properly? Why? Why? Why? Shame on me for thinking I was invincible. Shame on me for thinking I deserved the happiness I had.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
The Doctor that I met with was wonderful. He is the partner of the guy that I saw while pregnant with Clarence.(Remember the one I never liked?) He was so quick to the point, no personality and not a conversationalist at all. He did nothing to calm my worries. Well his partner, Dr. M is the complete opposite. Like night and day. We first sat in his office and he wanted me to sit down and tell my version of things. To see where I was coming from and how I felt about things. He listened so intently. We even talked about PCOS and my treatment for it. It just showed me that he was in no hurry and that we had his full attention for however long we needed it. He decided it would be good to run some tests to make sure I didn't have a clotting disorder or an auto immune disease. He ordered about 8 different tests and they seriously took like 12 vials of blood! He suspects all will come back normal b/c I have already had one normal healthy pregnancy that resulted in a live birth to a healthy child. That actually would be a great thing for the tests to come back normal, b/c then it is most likely a fluke and chances are it won't happen again. But he did tell me the things he was testing for were all things that we could do stuff about to prevent another loss. So after discussing that he stated that he thinks based on my description of the pregnancy, all the hemorrhages I had and my medical charts that the pregnancy was "doomed" from the beginning. Starting with the week 6 spotting. He thinks it was a problem with the placenta. For some reason it didn't develop properly. And essentially he thinks Clarence "out grew" the placenta. He just got to be too big for the placenta to support him anymore b/c it wasn't properly developed. There wasn't enough blood and oxygen to circulate to him. And his sweet little body could survive no longer. Nothing that I did would've caused it. It just happened. He took his time and answered all my questions. I didn't feel rushed or silly for anything I asked. He even said I could call or email him if I thought of any other questions after we left the office. He explained that the Velamentous Cord Insertion that they had suspected at my last ultra sound wasn't at all likely to be the cause of death. He said that they are rarely cause for concern and they definitely don't cause complications like sudden death. So that is it. I feel better. I was so worried the appointment wouldn't go well and I would come home a mess. I do still want to ask if there is a way to make sure the placenta is developing correctly next time around. I may email him that question. Though, even if it wasn't developing properly I am not sure there is anything that could be done.
From here we move forward. End the chapter and start a new one. I think we are ready. I know that another child could NEVER take Clarence's place. But I truly believe it will help in the healing process. Because life goes on...even when you want it to stand still. So I will hold Clarence in my heart. I will think of him everyday. I do already. How could I not?
Monday, January 19, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Every once in awhile we will go somewhere I haven't been since I was pregnant. I always remember "the last time I was here I was pregnant". Just before Christmas we went to dinner @ a Japanese steak house. It was the same restaurant we went to for Chad's birthday. That day I had had my biggest hemorrhage yet. So of course when we went there around Christmas it was kinda hard. I couldn't stop thinking about how the last time I had been there my baby had been with me. To make matters worse we were seated at a table with 2 very pregnant women. They were sisters or sisters-in-law I think. And the entire time they talked about their pregnancies. Ultra Sounds, finding out the gender, yada, yada, yada. Needless to say, I had to excuse myself to the restroom several times.
Today we went to Chuck E Cheese and took Kensington. This time I was able to think back and say the last time I was there, Kensington was still in my belly. It was August 20, 2007. We had just had maternity and family pictures down @ Kiddie Kandids. I was 36w1d pregnant. We went to Chuck E Cheese to celebrate Brenden's birthday. Almost exactly 4days later I was holding my precious baby girl for the first time! That memory brought a smile to my face. It was nice to be able to associate the thought "the last time I was here" with something happy.
It has been a very hard few days. I was already feeling a little blue, but I blamed that on AF. Then it was exacerbated last night by me finding out that my OB's office had the pathology report for so long and did not call me. I can't let that go without saying something. So now I just have to figure out how I go about that. Something to worry about that I shouldn't have to. That and the looming appt we have this Tuesday to discuss the pathology findings with the Perinatologist. Which I am sure we will get no answers. So why bother going, right? Well I am hoping the doctor I sit with is empathetic and can at least offer us some possible scenarios of what may have happened. And calm my fears and guilt that it wasn't something I did to cause his death. Ex: a med I took, the butter I ate, not eating enough.... I will be a nervous wreck come Tuesday.