Tuesday, March 17, 2009

That Should Be Me

So today was a beautiful day. We were grilling outside when my neighbor came out with her daughter who is about 9 months old. I went inside to grab something and heard my husband ask her if she was pregnant. I'm thinking "What?!" Then came her answer. Yes she was 5 months pregnant. My stomach hit the floor. My heart sank. "That should be me" I thought. That was my dream. Two children so close together in age. It was hard enough dealing with PCOS trying to get pregnant the first time. The second came pretty easy and I was so grateful for that. Then I lost him. Now my dream of 2 children under 2 years apart is gone. I can't get that back. Can't get Clarence back. I feel like fate just slapped me in the face. The rational part of me knows it is not her fault. I want to be happy for her. From the outside it looks so easy for others. I can't help but wonder what I did to deserve the harder road. For all I know she doesn't have the "perfect" life that I imagine she does. I know you can't judge a book by it's cover. I don't care about her "perfect" life. I just want her perfect fertility and perfect pregnancy.

I am green with envy. Bright leprechaun green. Fitting for St. Patrick's day, huh?

2 comments:

Bluebird said...

Oh sweetie, I had *such* a similar experience today with my next door neighbor. I'm not dealing with it - It makes me not want to go outside any more! And I hate that I'm like this. But so it is.

I wish I could offer some words of comfort, but I don't have any for myself! I'm just so sorry that this is our reality. ((Hugs))

Monique said...

((Hugs)) - hoping you have some gentler moments ahead.