Thursday, June 25, 2009
We just placed our order yesterday to rent a fetal heart doppler. We had one with both Kensington and Clarence and used it daily...sometimes twice a day. I have put it off for quite some time with this pregnancy. Terrified to get it too soon and flip out and be terrified if we couldn't find the heart beat. I think part of me was putting it off too b/c of the last time we tried to listen @ home with a doppler. It was the day we learned that Clarence had died. We spent HOURS trying to find it before calling the doctor. Terrified of what I already knew was true. It's kinda of funny. Well not really, but...up until we called the doctor that day Chad was convinced we just couldn't find the heart beat, but that the baby was still alive. Just hiding somewhere or something. I was convinced the opposite. He was gone. After talking to the doctor and being told to go to L&D it switched. I felt relief, that in just a short while I would be reassured that everything was indeed OK and that Chad was right, he was just in a hard spot to hear. (Even though we had dopplered every single inch of my torso and my back, hoping for something) And once we were on the way to the hospital it became more "real" to Chad and he "knew" it wasn't going to be good news.
So, will I be scared to death to use the doppler for the first time when it arrives on my door step? Hell yes. Absolutely. I have even decided we can't listen for this baby's heart beat while I am laying in our bed, b/c that is what we used to do with Clarence. I would lay in bed and read and when I was ready to go to sleep I would call Chad up and we would listen before I turned in for the night. We listened in other areas of the house as well, but most frequently there. And of course being that on Thanksgiving Day my house was full of family...well that is were Chad and I were when we were struggling to find it that last time. A picture so clear in my mind. To imagine that day again the fear comes storming back. The sick feeling in my gut, the pounding in my chest, the shaking and anxiety. The bile in my throat. I certainly never wish to relive that again.
So, we will avoid listening in the bedroom.