Thursday, June 25, 2009

A Big Step

We just placed our order yesterday to rent a fetal heart doppler. We had one with both Kensington and Clarence and used it daily...sometimes twice a day. I have put it off for quite some time with this pregnancy. Terrified to get it too soon and flip out and be terrified if we couldn't find the heart beat. I think part of me was putting it off too b/c of the last time we tried to listen @ home with a doppler. It was the day we learned that Clarence had died. We spent HOURS trying to find it before calling the doctor. Terrified of what I already knew was true. It's kinda of funny. Well not really, but...up until we called the doctor that day Chad was convinced we just couldn't find the heart beat, but that the baby was still alive. Just hiding somewhere or something. I was convinced the opposite. He was gone. After talking to the doctor and being told to go to L&D it switched. I felt relief, that in just a short while I would be reassured that everything was indeed OK and that Chad was right, he was just in a hard spot to hear. (Even though we had dopplered every single inch of my torso and my back, hoping for something) And once we were on the way to the hospital it became more "real" to Chad and he "knew" it wasn't going to be good news.
So, will I be scared to death to use the doppler for the first time when it arrives on my door step? Hell yes. Absolutely. I have even decided we can't listen for this baby's heart beat while I am laying in our bed, b/c that is what we used to do with Clarence. I would lay in bed and read and when I was ready to go to sleep I would call Chad up and we would listen before I turned in for the night. We listened in other areas of the house as well, but most frequently there. And of course being that on Thanksgiving Day my house was full of family...well that is were Chad and I were when we were struggling to find it that last time. A picture so clear in my mind. To imagine that day again the fear comes storming back. The sick feeling in my gut, the pounding in my chest, the shaking and anxiety. The bile in my throat. I certainly never wish to relive that again.
So, we will avoid listening in the bedroom.

6 comments:

Shana said...

Maybe you shoul dhave just not gotten one. Not sure what I would do there. I think it may be more stressful to have it and worry so much before you use it everytime. I am praying for you to have peace and calmness.

Michele said...

Oh sweetie, such a big (and positive) step. I am sending positive thoughts that you will never have to go through something as harrowing as not finding your baby's heartbeat. I remember the fear I had when I was bleeding so badly and the nurses couldnt locate Alex's heartbeat with the doppler. It was horrifying. When the doctor found him on u/s I was relieved until we saw my placenta had detached and there was nothing we could do to stop labor. But I will never forget that fear. I can only imagine how you felt searching for hours. Many prayers that neither of us will have to endure that fear or pain again.

Bianca said...

I can certainly understand you being terrified to listen the first time. Had it been me, I probably wouldn't have gotten one at all just because of the anxiety it would cause me. (((hugs)))

Monique said...

Everything is different and there's no going back to the innocence anymore - sending you strength for every day and every step. Much love.

Alisha said...

Thanks ladies! I really didn't want to go the route of not getting one and cheat myself and DH out of the wonderful bonding experience it provides. That and I REFUSE to let my fear rule. I am strong and I will continue to be strong. It will be hard, but I can do it, b/c I know this pregnancy is different. And b/c I know this baby deserves it. I really appreciate all your kind words and sentiments. Love you all!

Leila's mommy said...

oh, why didn't i read this before leaving a comment on your next post? i'm so sorry! the doppler is how i found out that Leila died too, but like you, i didn't believe it, i just thought she was in an odd position for us to find her heartbeat. but i was still hysterical. i know with absolute certainty that i will use the doppler everyday next time around. i hope it comforts you rather than causes any anxiety.