Thursday, February 5, 2009

Chipping...I Mean Slipping...Away

So you are probably wondering why I posted a picture of my feet on my blog. Weird, I know. I was in the shower today and as I was shaving my legs, something hit me. I have not painted my toe nails since Clarence died. Yes, I know. That's a little obvious. You are thinking what is wrong with this chic? What that also means is that the polish on my toes has been there since I was pregnant with him. I remember when I painted them even. It was the weekend of my husbands class reunion. That night was the night I had my first hemorrhage. Because of this, because Clarence was still alive in me when I painted my toes, I can't bring myself to remove it. It is like it represents a part of him, a part of my pregnancy, my time with him...and I don't want to let it go. It doesn't make any sense at all. However, it makes perfect sense to me. It is like a little piece of him is chipping away every day, getting further and further from my memory. Sometimes he feels like a dream. If this crummy chipped polish represents all I have left of him, what will I have when it is gone?


Barbara said...

I know exactly what you mean and those little things keep grabbing you and spinning you around. The first time I cut my hair after George died I cried.

Our babies have left an indelible mark on us that we can't see but we feel it every day.

Leave the polish until it's gone, but just know that Clarence will still be part of you when it has.


Sara said...

I found your blog through Barbara's and I just wanted to say how very sorry I am for your loss of Clarence.

The pain of losing a child is something that is impossible to understand - until you live it. I lost my Samuel in November 2007. A few months later I started my blog - very good therapy.

Keep that toenail polish on. I understand. And it doesn't matter if anyone understands but you - you know what it means to you. It is a reminder of Clarence.

Again, I am sorry for your loss.

Ya Chun said...

I did the exact same thing. The nail polish growing out marked the time since my daughter Serenity died.

I am sorry your son died, and that you are here. But welcome to our community.

Check out my blog at . It's now been a year since my daughter died.

Julissa said...

I found your blog through Brooke, I hope its okay that I follow it. I have always thought of you, and what the day that you lost your little boy was like. You are often in my thoughts!

Mommy at heart said...

Thanks so much ladies! Julissa of course you are welcome to follow here! I appreciate the support.

To the new ladies I don't know. It means so much to me to have others who understand my pain and have lived through it. It is a "club" no one ever wants to join, but once you do you are in it for life. And no one truly understands unless they are a member. Thanks for your wonderful comments!

Carly said...

Barbara, the loveliest woman in the world sent me here.

When I saw your toenails I knew what the post would be about. I too let my toenail polish come away in its own time.

I cut a lock of my own hair that my son had touched.

I get you....... There is nothing wrong with us chicks :)

Sending you my love

Carly x