Saturday, February 28, 2009
The title really says it all. Today is 3 months to the day of giving birth to my sleeping Clarence. I don't know how I feel today. It's ONLY been 3 months? It feels like an eternity. It has ALREADY been three months? It feels like just yesterday. Those are the two extremes I go between. Today it is the "it feels like any eternity". I feel that way most of the time now I think. It feels so distant and surreal.
I spoke to an ex co-worker on the phone yesterday. She lost her daughter in her 23rd week to preterm labor. This was about 6 years ago. She was born breathing and lived a very short time. She was telling me how @ that particular hospital @ that particular time they didn't do anything for a baby born before 24 weeks. They couldn't I guess. So she had to hold her daughter and watch her die and they could do nothing to save or help her. I can't imagine that torment. I mean she was DAYS away from 24 weeks!! In the end though, she feels that maybe it was best it wasn't her decision to decided if to do something and how much to do. Seriously. Where do you draw that line? She feels now that maybe it was best left up to God. Still though, it is heart wrenching. My immediate thought is "I can't imagine that feeling of utter helplessness." I recognize now though that I have experienced that. I realize that although her situation was completely different from mine it was also the same. My helplessness just came@ a different point. I know some of you in DBL have experienced what she has and my heart just breaks for you.
It was helpful to talk with her though. To be able to discuss with someone IRL all of the feelings that go along with losing your baby was very validating. To hear those emotions in someone else's voice was moving. I don't know why I waited so long to call her. I guess I just had to be ready. She was sweet and understood it had to happen in my own time. So she offered a card and her number and waited. I clung to her card and number like a life line. I panicked when I thought I didn't know where it was. I am forever grateful to her for reaching out to me like that.
And on that note, I am so grateful to all of you who reach out to me through commenting on this blog. I love to read your blogs and will try to do better in the future about leaving comments on yours. I am realizing that even if someone doesn't know what to say, just to see them write "I am sorry" or "Hugs" lets me know that they empathize with me and that they are here, reading along. I am not alone.
Thank you, thank you , thank you.