Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I Cried

I cried as I spoke to him. For the first time in awhile I shed tears for him tonight. I told him I loved him and that I was proud of him. So proud of him and happy he was a little boy. That he was perfect. I'm sure I have told him this before. In the days and weeks following his death, I am sure I spoke to him. But I don't remember it.
I will forever be haunted by the disappointment I felt when I found out I was having a little boy. I can not tell you enough how much that hurts my heart. I never want Clarence to think he wasn't good enough. He was perfect, from his head to his toes. I loved every inch of him. He was a fighter. The odds were against him. He struggled to grow and thrive while his lifeline, my placenta, bled and bled. While my body let him down... He fought.
I felt him kick for the first time when I was 15 weeks along. A big thump. There was no denying it. And I thought to myself that it was a sign. We had a fighter growing in there.
I am so thankful for his strength to fight. I am so glad I got to hold my baby boy. Tiny as ever, but still a baby. Ten fingers, ten toes, a perfect button nose. He hung on and he fought so his mommy would have a chance to hold him and see him fully formed. Perfectly formed. I am sure he would've held on longer if he could have. But his little body put up a long fight and needed to rest.
It's OK Clarence. I am proud of you.

6 comments:

ezra'smommy said...

hugs and love

caitsmom said...

Sending lots of love. I'm sure Clarence knew and knows you love him. Your perfect child loves you perfectly. Try to be gentle with yourself; you did the best you could with what you knew. It's OK to want a boy, a girl, a child with blue eyes, and when our children come to us we love them. And that's what you are doing, Clarence's mommy. I'm so sorry Clarence isn't in your arms still where he belongs. Peace.

Bluebird said...

Crying with you.

Gidget said...

Hugs Alisha. Like all the others, I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry he isn't with you right now. I wish you could physically show him how much you love him.

Jacinta said...

Those sweet little hands of his get me every time I come to your site. Little Clarence is just so perfect, you are right.

Melanie said...

((((hugs)))) for both you and Clarence