Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The Courage To Heal

So my husband and I have decided to start trying to conceive again this month. A friend told me that a friend of a friend of a friend had mentioned to her something about hoping that I didn't become obsessed with TTC again, as she knew so many other women who had after having a loss. Apparently she thought this was sad or unhealthy. It was obvious to me that she was passing judgement. So, of course, I have been paranoid ever since about what one would think if/when they learned we were trying again so soon. What I have realized upon pondering this is that trying to have another baby is part of the healing process for me. And not just for me. For a lot of women that have experienced losses. It is in almost every book that I have read. It is "normal" (there is that word again), human and HEALTHY to have the desire to be pregnant again. Unless we decided not to have more children, the next phase of my healing can't come without TTC again. Pregnancy, as much as I have loved it in the past, has now become the enemy. One of my biggest fears. The biggest fear outside of losing my husband or children. In order to conquer that fear I need to face it head on. Don't get me wrong here. I am not delusional. Nowhere in my mind do I think, not even for a second, that if I have a successful term pregnancy with a healthy live baby that I am suddenly gonna be healed. I know that is not true. However, I am certain that it will be a fundamental part of the process. Conquering this fear and coming out OK on the other side with my dream in my arms, that will be the vessel that gets me to the "other side", to the next stage of my healing. And notice that I said "my healing". Because it is mine, not yours. Mine to figure out, not yours to judge. TTC again, wanting to expand our family and having the courage to take the plunge is one of the most crucial steps in this healing process for me. One that can't be skipped. One that can't just be put off because I am worried what others might think. I will not be ashamed. I will not hide it. Unfortunately, it took someone telling me how strong and courageous I was to try again for me to realize it. I didn't see it that way. I thought others would think I was weak. But what is weak is caring about what others think. Especially if they have never lost a child. So to that friend of a friend of a friend...I am gonna become obsessed with having another child. I want to expand my family. And anyone who really knows me, knows that I would be obsessed with TTC even without having lost Clarence. That is just me. When I do something, I do it full out. Shame on you for passing judgement on me!


LauraLea said...

I went through this 24 years ago. It feels like yesterday. My daughter is 22, and she is a big part of my healing. You are right that you need to do your own healing on your own terms, and no one else can or should tell you what that ought to be. Congratulations on TTC, and may you soon be blessed with a child.