Saturday, January 17, 2009

A Righteous Kill

That is the movie that my husband and I were watching when I had my first hemorrhage. We were about half way through the movie. We rented it tonight and watched it. It was a really good movie. But in the back of my mind I kept trying to pin point exactly when I started bleeding. I have an idea, but couldn't remember exactly. Then as I was watching the rest of the movie I was thinking, this was playing while I was sitting in that ER waiting room. It was just weird.

Every once in awhile we will go somewhere I haven't been since I was pregnant. I always remember "the last time I was here I was pregnant". Just before Christmas we went to dinner @ a Japanese steak house. It was the same restaurant we went to for Chad's birthday. That day I had had my biggest hemorrhage yet. So of course when we went there around Christmas it was kinda hard. I couldn't stop thinking about how the last time I had been there my baby had been with me. To make matters worse we were seated at a table with 2 very pregnant women. They were sisters or sisters-in-law I think. And the entire time they talked about their pregnancies. Ultra Sounds, finding out the gender, yada, yada, yada. Needless to say, I had to excuse myself to the restroom several times.

Today we went to Chuck E Cheese and took Kensington. This time I was able to think back and say the last time I was there, Kensington was still in my belly. It was August 20, 2007. We had just had maternity and family pictures down @ Kiddie Kandids. I was 36w1d pregnant. We went to Chuck E Cheese to celebrate Brenden's birthday. Almost exactly 4days later I was holding my precious baby girl for the first time! That memory brought a smile to my face. It was nice to be able to associate the thought "the last time I was here" with something happy.

It has been a very hard few days. I was already feeling a little blue, but I blamed that on AF. Then it was exacerbated last night by me finding out that my OB's office had the pathology report for so long and did not call me. I can't let that go without saying something. So now I just have to figure out how I go about that. Something to worry about that I shouldn't have to. That and the looming appt we have this Tuesday to discuss the pathology findings with the Perinatologist. Which I am sure we will get no answers. So why bother going, right? Well I am hoping the doctor I sit with is empathetic and can at least offer us some possible scenarios of what may have happened. And calm my fears and guilt that it wasn't something I did to cause his death. Ex: a med I took, the butter I ate, not eating enough.... I will be a nervous wreck come Tuesday.


Gidget said...

Just thinking about you today. Did you get any news from the doctor today?

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you had a good "the last time I was here...." memory. It's good that you remembered something positive. I'm thinking of you. Just wanted you to know that.