The Life Of Clarence - Part I

I wanted to take you on the short journey of the life of my son, starting with finding out I was pregnant with my little guy. Below is a picture of the charting I was doing to see if I was ovulating and when. It was a long cycle and I was getting very discouraged and didn't think it was gonna happen. Then one night Chad and I were feeling romantic. As luck would have it I ovulated the next day and conceived Clarence. Of course we wouldn't know that for a little while longer though. About 6 or 7 days after I ovulated I started to bleed. I was devastated. Not only was I not pregnant, but my period came way too early....or so I thought! The very next day, the bleeding tapered off and then was non existent. I began to suspect the the bleeding was what is called "implantation bleeding". I was cautiously excited! Finally when I was 10 days past ovulation and about 3 days after the implantation spotting I decided to take a HPT. The very faintest of lines appeared. I was shocked. I couldn't believe it. Chad returned home from a short walk with the kids and I called him upstairs to make sure I wasn't seeing things. I wasn't!! Here is a picture of that pregnancy test taken on 8/4/2008.
We were so excited. I think Chad was more shocked actually than anything. We told a select few people and decided that we would surprise the rest @ Kensington's first birthday party later that month.

Just a few short days before her party I started to have brown spotting. I felt sick to my stomach with worry. I had had spotting all through out the first trimester with Kensington, but that doesn't harden you to the fact that it is scary. I called the OB the first thing the next morning and they quickly scheduled me in for an ultra sound. You can imagine our relief when we saw the tiny blob below just flickering away! I was only 6 weeks pregnant and already there was a very strong heartbeat. I was in love.

Evidence

So just a little bit ago I ran across 3 + pregnancy tests I had taken when I was pregnant with Clarence. The first was "the one" that told us we were expecting. The last 2 were taken in the few days following just to make sure I hadn't been dreaming. I started to throw them away. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. They are evidence that he existed. I can't part with them. They will go into the memory box I plan on making. Now I just need to remember to pick one up. I have a feeling there won't be one perfect enough to hold anything of his though....

Broken

Why can't my body just work like it is supposed too?! It won't even do the most basic of female things. I hate being broken.

Shame On Me

I can't believe it has been 2 months since Clarence was born to Heaven. It snowed a ton today. Someone told me that when it snowed it was the angel babies playing on the clouds in Heaven. Or something to that affect. It is a nice thought. What do our babies look like in Heaven? Do they look like they did on Earth? It is hard for me to picture him any way other than "sleeping". How sad that I will never see his smile. Or his eyes. I will never hear his cry or his laughter. I will never know what he looks like doing anything other than sleeping. And even then I don't truly know what that looks like either. Because if he had been sleeping his little chest would've been rising and falling. That's what a mother looks for when she watches her baby sleep.

I feel angry. I feel cheated. I feel sad. I feel .... numb mostly. The whole experience of being pregnant and giving birth to my dead son feels so surreal. Sometimes I have to remind myself that it happened to me.

I haven't pulled out his little gowns and hats to look at in awhile. They smell like him and the hospital. It is a smell I both adore and despise. His gowns have blood and fluid stains on them. So do his hats. Part of me wants to wash one set and save the other set just how it is in hope to keep his smell forever. But then I don't know which one to wash. The first set he was in that is the most soiled? Or the last set, that isn't nearly as cute. So I do nothing. They sit up in my room in a Ziploc bag and a box we got from the hospital. They sit along with all the other mementos from the hospital. I need to get a nice big box to put all of these mementos in and the little things that we had bought for him while I was pregnant. Funny how I conveniently forget to do that whenever I am out. Something else I keep "forgetting" to do is to look for an urn. I don't even know where you buy one. Can you look online? Do these things make me a terrible mother?

I miss my baby boy, even though I never really knew him. Every time I hear of someone that has children close together I get upset. Or if someone with a child around Kensi's age is pregnant, I am jealous. That is supposed to be me. My children were supposed to be born 20 months apart from each other. Instead my son only lived for 20 weeks inside my womb. I don't live a very structured life. We are not on a tight day to day schedule. Bedtime is about the only routine that we keep. I don't make many plans for the future. The one plan I did make, to have my children close in age, was taken away. I felt so blessed and so lucky to find out I was pregnant with Clarence after only 3 months of trying. Some women with PCOS try years. I knew how lucky I was. I feel like fate took one look at me and decided I didn't deserve to be so happy. Like it wanted to wipe that smug look off of my face as I made jokes about my husbands "super sperm". I feel so humbled by this whole experience. Knocked to the ground and kicked in the gut several times over. Like I am being taunted and laughed at. "Oh your life is finally going the way you have always dreamed? Oh you are finally to the part you have wished for since you were a little girl. The part where you get to have a family?" I feel like the rug was jerked from underneath me, all my dreams stolen. What did I do to deserve this? What did I do to deserve to have a dead baby? I loved that little guy. I wanted to keep him safe. I couldn't do that. I feel like my body has failed me. I failed him. And I don't know why. I will never know why. Why did my placenta not develop properly? Why? Why? Why? Shame on me for thinking I was invincible. Shame on me for thinking I deserved the happiness I had.

The Courage To Heal

So my husband and I have decided to start trying to conceive again this month. A friend told me that a friend of a friend of a friend had mentioned to her something about hoping that I didn't become obsessed with TTC again, as she knew so many other women who had after having a loss. Apparently she thought this was sad or unhealthy. It was obvious to me that she was passing judgement. So, of course, I have been paranoid ever since about what one would think if/when they learned we were trying again so soon. What I have realized upon pondering this is that trying to have another baby is part of the healing process for me. And not just for me. For a lot of women that have experienced losses. It is in almost every book that I have read. It is "normal" (there is that word again), human and HEALTHY to have the desire to be pregnant again. Unless we decided not to have more children, the next phase of my healing can't come without TTC again. Pregnancy, as much as I have loved it in the past, has now become the enemy. One of my biggest fears. The biggest fear outside of losing my husband or children. In order to conquer that fear I need to face it head on. Don't get me wrong here. I am not delusional. Nowhere in my mind do I think, not even for a second, that if I have a successful term pregnancy with a healthy live baby that I am suddenly gonna be healed. I know that is not true. However, I am certain that it will be a fundamental part of the process. Conquering this fear and coming out OK on the other side with my dream in my arms, that will be the vessel that gets me to the "other side", to the next stage of my healing. And notice that I said "my healing". Because it is mine, not yours. Mine to figure out, not yours to judge. TTC again, wanting to expand our family and having the courage to take the plunge is one of the most crucial steps in this healing process for me. One that can't be skipped. One that can't just be put off because I am worried what others might think. I will not be ashamed. I will not hide it. Unfortunately, it took someone telling me how strong and courageous I was to try again for me to realize it. I didn't see it that way. I thought others would think I was weak. But what is weak is caring about what others think. Especially if they have never lost a child. So to that friend of a friend of a friend...I am gonna become obsessed with having another child. I want to expand my family. And anyone who really knows me, knows that I would be obsessed with TTC even without having lost Clarence. That is just me. When I do something, I do it full out. Shame on you for passing judgement on me!

Do You Own These Shoes Too? They Suck.

"A Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes.

Uncomfortable shoes.

I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

They are looks of sympathy.

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in this world.

Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.

Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

~Author unknown~

Is This The End, Or A New Beginning?

I just haven't felt much like posting. IDK why b/c I am happy (or content at least) with the appointment we had on Tuesday to discuss the pathology report with the Perinatologist. I just haven't felt like writing about it. Not even on SC or in my journal. I guess because it makes everything so final? Like putting a period at the end of the sentence? Or finishing a chapter of a book? IDK. I know the "book" will continue and this last chapter will always be with me. Clarence will always be with me ....but for some reason I have been hesitating to turn the page.

The Doctor that I met with was wonderful. He is the partner of the guy that I saw while pregnant with Clarence.(Remember the one I never liked?) He was so quick to the point, no personality and not a conversationalist at all. He did nothing to calm my worries. Well his partner, Dr. M is the complete opposite. Like night and day. We first sat in his office and he wanted me to sit down and tell my version of things. To see where I was coming from and how I felt about things. He listened so intently. We even talked about PCOS and my treatment for it. It just showed me that he was in no hurry and that we had his full attention for however long we needed it. He decided it would be good to run some tests to make sure I didn't have a clotting disorder or an auto immune disease. He ordered about 8 different tests and they seriously took like 12 vials of blood! He suspects all will come back normal b/c I have already had one normal healthy pregnancy that resulted in a live birth to a healthy child. That actually would be a great thing for the tests to come back normal, b/c then it is most likely a fluke and chances are it won't happen again. But he did tell me the things he was testing for were all things that we could do stuff about to prevent another loss. So after discussing that he stated that he thinks based on my description of the pregnancy, all the hemorrhages I had and my medical charts that the pregnancy was "doomed" from the beginning. Starting with the week 6 spotting. He thinks it was a problem with the placenta. For some reason it didn't develop properly. And essentially he thinks Clarence "out grew" the placenta. He just got to be too big for the placenta to support him anymore b/c it wasn't properly developed. There wasn't enough blood and oxygen to circulate to him. And his sweet little body could survive no longer. Nothing that I did would've caused it. It just happened. He took his time and answered all my questions. I didn't feel rushed or silly for anything I asked. He even said I could call or email him if I thought of any other questions after we left the office. He explained that the Velamentous Cord Insertion that they had suspected at my last ultra sound wasn't at all likely to be the cause of death. He said that they are rarely cause for concern and they definitely don't cause complications like sudden death. So that is it. I feel better. I was so worried the appointment wouldn't go well and I would come home a mess. I do still want to ask if there is a way to make sure the placenta is developing correctly next time around. I may email him that question. Though, even if it wasn't developing properly I am not sure there is anything that could be done.

From here we move forward. End the chapter and start a new one. I think we are ready. I know that another child could NEVER take Clarence's place. But I truly believe it will help in the healing process. Because life goes on...even when you want it to stand still. So I will hold Clarence in my heart. I will think of him everyday. I do already. How could I not?