Blessed

Someone made this for me and it is just so beautiful I wanted to share. It reminded me of how wonderful my life truly is. I am very blessed. (For those of you who don't know me, I have a step son, Brenden that is 9 years old, and a beautiful 17 month old daughter who is the light of my life!)

A Righteous Kill

That is the movie that my husband and I were watching when I had my first hemorrhage. We were about half way through the movie. We rented it tonight and watched it. It was a really good movie. But in the back of my mind I kept trying to pin point exactly when I started bleeding. I have an idea, but couldn't remember exactly. Then as I was watching the rest of the movie I was thinking, this was playing while I was sitting in that ER waiting room. It was just weird.

Every once in awhile we will go somewhere I haven't been since I was pregnant. I always remember "the last time I was here I was pregnant". Just before Christmas we went to dinner @ a Japanese steak house. It was the same restaurant we went to for Chad's birthday. That day I had had my biggest hemorrhage yet. So of course when we went there around Christmas it was kinda hard. I couldn't stop thinking about how the last time I had been there my baby had been with me. To make matters worse we were seated at a table with 2 very pregnant women. They were sisters or sisters-in-law I think. And the entire time they talked about their pregnancies. Ultra Sounds, finding out the gender, yada, yada, yada. Needless to say, I had to excuse myself to the restroom several times.

Today we went to Chuck E Cheese and took Kensington. This time I was able to think back and say the last time I was there, Kensington was still in my belly. It was August 20, 2007. We had just had maternity and family pictures down @ Kiddie Kandids. I was 36w1d pregnant. We went to Chuck E Cheese to celebrate Brenden's birthday. Almost exactly 4days later I was holding my precious baby girl for the first time! That memory brought a smile to my face. It was nice to be able to associate the thought "the last time I was here" with something happy.

It has been a very hard few days. I was already feeling a little blue, but I blamed that on AF. Then it was exacerbated last night by me finding out that my OB's office had the pathology report for so long and did not call me. I can't let that go without saying something. So now I just have to figure out how I go about that. Something to worry about that I shouldn't have to. That and the looming appt we have this Tuesday to discuss the pathology findings with the Perinatologist. Which I am sure we will get no answers. So why bother going, right? Well I am hoping the doctor I sit with is empathetic and can at least offer us some possible scenarios of what may have happened. And calm my fears and guilt that it wasn't something I did to cause his death. Ex: a med I took, the butter I ate, not eating enough.... I will be a nervous wreck come Tuesday.

WTH?!

I just looked at the pathology report from my placenta. I am preparing for our appt with the specialist this coming Tuesday to go over it. I just realized it was received by my OB's office on DECEMBER THE FOURTH!!!!! No one ever called me! I had to call the last week of December to get it. I can't believe it. On December the 4th I had my f/u appt at that same OB's office. There she told me it could take up to 2 or 3 weeks and that if I hadn't heard from them by the New Year to call the office. Do they not realize how we agonized waiting for a report such as that?! What the HELL!? I am pissed. I am for sure changing OB's now. The practice is too huge and you are just a number. I agonized about calling and waited 3 weeks for that report when it was sitting right there in their office. Made myself sick to my stomach with anticipation. Piss on them. I am gonna take this up with someone there. I don't know who, but someone is gonna hear about it!

Normal

On my Myspace page I recently had the status of "Trying to find a new normal". Some people may wonder, "what the heck is that supposed to mean?" Someone sent this to me. I think it explains it very well. I have deleted a few that I feel just don't apply to me. But most of it touched me very deeply.

From the heart of a bereaved Mother... This is now what "normal" is...

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age they would be now and not being able to imagine it. (This applies to pregnant women for me)

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someones eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal". ( This one is so true and really surprised me when it first happened. I can't believe how calmly and without tears I can talk about it now. But inside it still hurts so bad. I am afraid people expect me to cry the whole time I talk about him. And then I worry that they don't understand when I don't.)

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and their birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really. (This applies to my looming due date and how I will handle the anniversary of his death and the Thanksgiving ,the day it started and Christmas holidays this year.)

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my babies or even ask how I am.

Normal is making sure that others remember them.

Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but losing your own child is unnatural.

Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.

Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food. (But, thankfully this is greatly improving for me)

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have two children or one, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have 1 child to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.

Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God. (The latter part of this is true for me. I am afraid to say a prayer right now. Is there anyone listening?)

Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".

------ author unknown

Happy Birthday To Me

So today is my birthday. 33. Yikes! I got an early birthday present yesterday. One that most people wouldn't be that excited about. My favorite aunt came to visit me. In other words AF (Aunt Flow). I am excited about this because it means my body is doing a good job of healing after the stillbirth of Clarence and the D&C to remove the placenta. It also means that we are able to start ttc (trying to conceive) again. Which I am so ready to do. Right or wrong, just the idea of being pregnant by the time Clarence's due date comes up is so comforting. And I think it would really make it easier if I was pregnant for Thanksgiving, his birthday, and Christmas. I think if I am not...Well, honestly, I would be a total mess. I think about it obsessively almost. If I got pregnant this month I would be due in Oct. Hmmm...we have too many October bday's in our family though. But then I could have a baby for the holidays next year, when Clarence would've been here. And then I think, I have always wanted to be hugely pregnant for the holidays, so a January or Feb baby would be great. For that we'd have to get pregnant in April or May. See what I mean about thinking about this too much?! I need to just let nature take it's course. So anyhow, that is where my mind has been lately.

Today was a great bday. I took KK to the library for story time and she had a lot of fun. The lady reads stories and also does songs with different props for the kids to use in between books. Today she did some felt board stories too. It is so neat to see her venture out on her own and not be shy. I love to just sit back and watch her take it all in. After returning from the library, she laid down for a nap. Mommy (that's me) got in her pj's and promptly made her way to the couch for some much needed R&R. Then off to dinner the 3 of us went to celebrate my bday. We went to the Olive Garden. Kensi got the fettuccine Alfredo...but she ate my spaghetti instead. You can never predict a toddler I tell ya. Had we ordered her the spagetti she would've wanted something else. Now that Kensington is tucked into bed, I am gonna end the night snuggled up on the couch with my DH (Dear husband) and watch some TV.

It just occurred to me that maybe I need to add an index for a list of abbreviations. That may help some of you along that aren't familiar with my SoulCyster's and ttc lingo. I'll check into that.

The Most Perfect Day

I did get to have one perfect, blissful day in my pregnancy with Clarence. November the 10th. It was a Monday and I had been doing strict bed rest for 2 weeks, hoping to resolve the Subchorionic Hematoma. I had an appointment with my OB for a f/u. That day there was NO CLOT on the ultra sound!! I was so, so, so unbelievably happy. I allowed myself to go to Babies R Us and buy some things for my baby. It was so much fun since this time we knew what gender we were having. I picked out an adorable baby book, light blue with a fuzzy tan teddy bear on the cover. It is funny that I picked this one, because usually I go for the sports stuff for boys, or sailboats. I also got a frame to put an ultrasound picture in. Just like the one we had for Kensington, except in blue. This was fun! Last I picked out a bib with a cute dinosaur on it that said "I'm the little brother!"

Not too long after bringing these treasures home I started writing in his baby book. I am glad I did, because I don't know that I would have the heart to start it now. For some reason it is easier to think of finishing his baby book now knowing it is already started. Otherwise I am not sure I could do it. So while I will only be able to fill his baby book in up to 5 months, I will be able to fill it with other things. Ultra sound pictures galore! We have a ton! 6 weeks, 8 weeks, 10 weeks, 12 weeks, 13 weeks, 13 weeks 5 days...you get the picture. And around 14 weeks pregnant I started taking belly shots. I took them through to week 18 I think. So I will have those to add. My one regret is that we didn't get a 20 week shot. For some reason 19 weeks came and went without us taking a picture. On Thanksgiving day we were going to do a belly shot. But then we all know what happened next. And while I won't be able to fill his baby book with cards of well wishes and congratulations from my baby shower and such...I do have a huge stack of lovely sympathy cards to add. It is amazing the out pouring of love we recieved from people. Little gifts and momentos given, beautiful flowers. I made sure to take pictures of the flowers to add to his book as well.


And while my dear Clarence was snuggled inside of me, he got to go with his mommy to see her childhood crushes in concert! New Kids on the Block! lol! We traveled all the way to Cleveland. And he got to go with mommy and daddy to see the "So You Think You Can Dance" tour. I will make sure to add that in there too. Oh and he got to go to his daddy's highschool reunion and his home town Apple festival.


So that was my amazing, blissful day. And it actually carried on for about 2 weeks. Until I had another hemorrhage. I will always remember the feeling I had that day though. A worry free day, confident that we had made it through the storm and come out the other end stronger. Me and my baby boy were gonna be just fine. Little did I know God had other plans for my Clarence. It's one of those things you think will NEVER happen to you, ya know? Someone I "know of" from SoulCysters lost her baby around the time I had my blissful day. I remember finding that out, that at 25 weeks (or so) her baby's heart stopped beating. I remember thinking "how awful" and "how does someone go through labor and give birth to their deceased child?" "How does someone survive that?" Again, little did I know....

But to end on a positive note. Remember the irony of me picking out that baby book with the teddy bear on it? Well shortly after Clarence was born, they brought him to us in a little basket. He was dressed in a tiny gown with a little white cap on. He had snuggly blankets all around him...and a little tan teddy bear. I think God sent me to that baby book for a reason. Now where ever I see teddy bears I think of Clarence. But it is ok. They are happy thoughts.

Another Rough End To The Weekend.

I don't know why I get so sad when the weekend ends. All weekend long I complain about people staying with us getting on my nerves and then when they leave I feel sad. Right now my emotions are so raw and so disproportionate to things. I feel like I am on a roller coaster that is out of control. That no one has ridden before and no one can tell my how to navigate it or take the control back.

I just want my life back so I can deal with the grief of losing my son and move on. I feel like a prepubescent teenager stuck in a woman's body..... I feel like a failure. I don't know how to just live life. I am always fretting about things I have no control over.

I miss my baby boy more than any words could ever express. I had problems with the pregnancy. A Subchorionic Hematoma was diagnosed around 8 weeks into the pregnancy. And while our little man was growing and thriving in there, the SCH was making me a mad women. Six different times I had hemorrhaging....six...different....times!!! Do you know what that does to a pregnant women. You are not supposed to bleed when you are pregnant! Let alone having it come out of you like someone released a dam. The doctors said nothing could be done to improve the situation. That as the baby got bigger he would be like a tourniquet to the bleed and it should all resolve. I decided that wasn't good enough and after finding an online support group decided bed rest and lots of water would be the key. And after 2 weeks of strict bed rest....the clot was gone!! However there was a little bit of bleeding noted by my cervix. Nothing to be concerned with though. So up and about I was. Never doing anything too strenuous. A week and a half or 2 weeks went by and then I had ANOTHER bleed. I couldn't catch a break. The baby was fine as usual, but the bleed remained and was a bit bigger this time. I tried to take it easy again. They said bed rest wouldn't make a difference, but here I had just come off of it after healing and look what happened. I had another SCH.

Then came the follow up appointment with the Maternal/Fetal medicine doctor. Our little boy was doing beautifully. I was 20 weeks. The SCH was still there...not the best news. The tech spent FOREVER doing the u/s, trying to see the umbilical cord correctly. The baby was comfortable and wouldn't budge. Apparently he was using part of the umbilical cord as his pillow. They suspected that I had a Velametous Cord insertion problem. Where the umbilical cord doesn't take root in the placenta, but in the membranes around it. This also leaves an area of the cord exposed, not covered with the Wharton's Jelly, and very vulnerable. This is not always a problem unless the exposed area runs low, across the mother's cervix. Then it presents a problem with labor starts and the water breaks, because the exposed cord is very fragile and could rupture, leaving the baby to bleed out in a matter of minutes. So the doctor told me that if that were the case they would schedule me for delivery by c section well before I would go into labor on my own. Pretty scary, huh? He wanted to see me back in a month to confirm their suspicions. In the meantime, no special orders. No bed rest or anything. WTF?? I couldn't understand that. And he never did say there was a risk other than going into labor on my own. I was really surprised.

So you can imagine my surprise when the very next day, Thanksgiving Day, after not being able to find his heartbeat on our home Doppler we learned he had passed. At the hospital poor Chad had to sit and watch the monitor and see before I did that his little heart wasn't beating. Then he had to watch me, as they turned the monitor my way and the doctor said "the reason you couldn't find his heartbeat with your Doppler is because his heart is not beating". I will never forget those words. Or the kind soft way she said them. It was all so surreal. I had to be induced to give birth. He was born the next morning, Nov. 28th @ 5:24 am, 10.2 ounces and 10 inches long. He was PERFECT from head to toe. Perfect nose, nipples, arms, hands, legs and toes. He had the same nose as his brother and sister. We have so many mementos from that day. His little hat and gown, pictures, inked feet and hand prints and an impression of his feet in plaster.

I feel so empty without him. I feel so alone in my grief. No one wants to talk about it, including my husband, unless I bring it up. Everyone is afraid I am too fragile and will break if they say something or they will cause me more pain. The thing is them saying nothing is breaking me and hurting me more. It makes me feel like he is forgotten, as well as my pain. Maybe I am supposed to be "over it" by now in their eyes. But that will never be the case. It feels so cruel and unfair having him taken, so young and so innocent. And we may never have answers as to why. Just a bunch of speculation on what "maybe" happened. It helps to talk about it. Every bit of what happened it helps to talk about. So maybe this blog is the answer for me. Thank you Tracey for this suggestion. You are a wonderful friend!