Retracing Time

This time last year. That is a phrase I hear in my head a lot lately. Everyday seems to have a memory attached to it from my pregnancy with Clarence. My husband's birthday for example. We went to the same restaurant as last year. Of course I couldn't help but think about "this time last year" when we followed dinner with a trip to the costume store for Halloween. How when I stood up out of the car, I had my biggest gush of blood yet. I had to walk to the bathroom in Target, trying to act and walk normal, while blood was pouring out of me. Then I had to try and act normal while my stepson tried to pick out a Halloween costume.

Thanksgiving is fast approaching. I have no idea how I want to spend it this year. It was on Thanksgiving day last year that I tried for hours to find my baby's heartbeat on the Doppler. I had to sit through the dinner, trying to be OK, wondering if my baby was dead. I am terrified what feelings will be stirred this year when I sit @ the table to eat my turkey. Do I want my family around? Or will that just make it more like "this time last year"? Maybe it should just be Chad, I and the kids? Or will that feel too empty? Maybe we should go to a friends? The offer has been put out there.

On top of all of this, as of this Friday my husband is without a job. Cut backs @ work. Sure he has some irons in the fire as far as other opportunities. Sure he gets a severance package. That doesn't stop me from stressing out over it all. Could the timing be any worse? Not that it is ever a good time to lose a job. But seriously? I am trying so hard to enjoy this pregnancy, as it may be my last, but feeling tired and stressed all the time doesn't help. I want to make these last weeks with my daughter special... she won't be my only (live) child for much longer. I feel like this baby is gonna come before I am ready. I wish I could turn back the clock some. I feel like I am in a pit and keep trying to dig my way out, only to have the dirt keep falling back down to cover me. I'm scratching for the surface trying to be a healthy, happy, functional adult.... but I usually end up feeling knocked down and like a child.

It's hard. Enjoy this pregnancy, be happy for my daughter, deal with the stress of life, struggle with my depression... and still take time to remember "this time last year". Take time to mourn the pregnancy and the son that I lost.

Sometimes I want to give in and just let the dirt win.

30 Weeks Pregnant

Just wanted to share some pictures we took last week. I actually had my hair and makeup done and was wearing something other than a t-shirt and yoga pants so we figured we'd take advantage!

October 15th

Any other Mother that has lost a baby will probably already know this. In case someone is reading who hasn't lost a baby and wants to remember these little lives that have touched us so much, please light a candle on October 15th @ 7pm.

http://miscarriage.about.com/od/copingwithmiscarriages/qt/october15.htm

http://www.october15th.com/

Lost

I lost my cat. Wednesday evening we let her out for a bit...and I completely forgot about her. My husband assumed I brought her in when he locked up for the night. She normally hangs out in the basement most of the day and comes out @ night. So when I didn't see her on Thursday, I didn't think anything of it. Then Thursday night we were out celebrating our anniversary. We were gone most of Saturday and out of town Sunday and Monday. This morning I asked Chad if he had seen the cat recently. He said "No" and that is when it hit me. What kind of person loses their cat and doesn't realize it for a week! I am so upset and don't know what to do. The last time we let her out and didn't bring her in until late she was attacked by either a raccoon or another cat. Now it has been a whole week! She is 12 and has her front paws declawed. I just picture her lying dead somewhere. I picture her sitting on our porch wondering why no one would let her in. I picture her @ the Humane Society being euthanized.

What kind of person am I? She was my very first baby and I LOST her. Just put her outside one night and never let her back in. I feel so ashamed and so guilty and mostly so so so sorry. I pray maybe by some miracle someone kept her and is giving her the kind of attention she deserves. My poor, poor Dottie

Honest Scrap

Thank you Leila's mommy for nominating me! Sorry it has taken me so long to post this!

Here are the rules:

1. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs who you find brilliant in content or design.

2. Show the 7 winners’ names and links on your blog, and leave a comment (on their blog) informing them that they have won the Honest Scrap award.

3. Tell us 7 honest things about yourself.

These are the blogs I am nominating. I'm sure some of you may have been nominated before. If so, it must be a compliment!

1. Shana @ http://blazeandcrochet.blogspot.com/

2. Lindsey @ http://livinglifeaswego.blogspot.com/

3. Heidi @ http://joshandheidisjourney.blogspot.com/

4. Jamie @ http://theflukenfamily.blogspot.com/?zx=42643394632235bd

5. Christina @ http://scfmrankinfamily.blogspot.com/

6. Christina @ http://littlegraciev.blogspot.com/

7. Julia @ http://wontfearlove.blogspot.com/

Seven honest things about me. Hmm... This may be tough.

1. I have 2 dogs and a cat that I feel don't get nearly enough attention since my daughter was born. I feel tremendously guilty for this. I try to remind myself that they are loved, sheltered, fed and happy and that there are many animals out there that aren't.

2. I often call my daughter just "Kensi" in public b/c I love her full name so much (Kensington) and I am afraid someone will hear it and use it someday. It is a very unique name and I don't want it to become the next "Emma". As if I could single-handedly prevent that! LOL

3. My daughter eats breakfast in front of the TV every morning. It allows Mommy time to wake up... and surf the net.

4. I struggled with infertility. I have PCOS. Kensington came as a "Christmas Miracle" while we were on a break waiting to start injectibles. I got a surprise call from the nurse not to take the first injection that night b/c I was pregnant. Her estimated conception date? Christmas Eve or Christmas Day!

5. I often feel guilty that my struggle with PCOS has been mild compared to so many wonderful women I know. My problem is corrected by treating the underlying problem of insulin resistance, for others it is not so easy. My heart breaks for these women. Many of them close friends.

6. I am pretty boring I think. I love to read, watch TV. I do better in small groups of people. Actually one on one. I kinda sink into the background in bigger groups of people.

7. I have ADD. I get very overwhelmed @ times and have no idea how to organize myself. Consequently, if I have a ton of stuff that needs to be done...well.... I either flip out or nothing gets done at all. I'm one of those people that start to clean in one room (kitchen) and go to return something somewhere else (bedroom) and then start cleaning that room...until I find something that belongs somewhere else! LOL! I am getting better. I have recognized ways to "talk" myself out of being so overwhelmed, but it is definitely a continuing struggle.

Well, there you go. Seven honest scraps about me. I guess I did them more like "confessions". I would love it if when you do your "Honest Scrap" you leave me a link in one of my comments so I can read yours too. No pressure. Have fun. Take your time. I look forward to learning little tidbits about everyone!

Unexpected Suprise

I am currently 27 weeks pregnant. Officially in the 3rd trimester. We went to the MFM for an u/s on Monday and got some great pictures. This first one made me a little sad. This pose is the same way we last saw our Clarence on u/s. His feet up above his head, comfortable for him I guess. And when we went to the hospital the next day and learned his heart had stopped beating....well, he was still in that position. Seeing this baby like that tugged on my heart strings a bit, as I am sure you can imagine.Love the little foot print.
And this looks to me to be a strong soccer leg! No wonder I feel those strong kicks!

But the best picture? This one here. I didn't even know they could do a 3D u/s there. The u/s tech. just said, lets see if we can get some 3D pics and before I could reply (I have never had a desire for one b/c I feel it is like peeking @ your presents before Christmas) she had the first picture up! Needless to say, I was very suprised and VERY happy we got it. AND it was free! I think he is rather handsome. How 'bout you?

Shit

I had an eye exam today. I love the doctor I go to see. He is very friendly and is always happy to talk about his grand kids and asks many questions about my family. I almost made it though the appointment without mentioning Clarence. In the end though, as he was comparing my exam from today to last year, he must have saw where he made a note that I had been pregnant. He kinda stumbled for a minute and then seem confused. And then, God love him, he said "Did you lose one?" Plain and simple, not awkward, not apologetic, just matter of fact. He wasn't afraid of "reminding me" or "hurting my feelings". Maybe that would make some people mad that he asked so nonchalant like that. But it was OK with me. Others would have stumbled, been confused and then ignored the "elephant in the room". He didn't. We even talked about my pregnancy hormones. He made the comment (b/c we were talking about the meds I take) that the child bearing years wreck havoc on your hormones but once you are done having kids they seem to level out and you get some relief. "That shit does go away" he said. I had to laugh. My "shit" has been with me long before pregnancy, but I pray he is right and that it has just been exacerbated these last few years. I would love for my "shit" to go away or @ the very least even out and tame down! I bet Chad would be happy with that too ;)