It's Here!!

It came today! The Doppler of course. 156 bpm! I LOVE that galloping sound. *sigh* Thank you, thank you, thank you!

A Big Step

We just placed our order yesterday to rent a fetal heart doppler. We had one with both Kensington and Clarence and used it daily...sometimes twice a day. I have put it off for quite some time with this pregnancy. Terrified to get it too soon and flip out and be terrified if we couldn't find the heart beat. I think part of me was putting it off too b/c of the last time we tried to listen @ home with a doppler. It was the day we learned that Clarence had died. We spent HOURS trying to find it before calling the doctor. Terrified of what I already knew was true. It's kinda of funny. Well not really, but...up until we called the doctor that day Chad was convinced we just couldn't find the heart beat, but that the baby was still alive. Just hiding somewhere or something. I was convinced the opposite. He was gone. After talking to the doctor and being told to go to L&D it switched. I felt relief, that in just a short while I would be reassured that everything was indeed OK and that Chad was right, he was just in a hard spot to hear. (Even though we had dopplered every single inch of my torso and my back, hoping for something) And once we were on the way to the hospital it became more "real" to Chad and he "knew" it wasn't going to be good news.

So, will I be scared to death to use the doppler for the first time when it arrives on my door step? Hell yes. Absolutely. I have even decided we can't listen for this baby's heart beat while I am laying in our bed, b/c that is what we used to do with Clarence. I would lay in bed and read and when I was ready to go to sleep I would call Chad up and we would listen before I turned in for the night. We listened in other areas of the house as well, but most frequently there. And of course being that on Thanksgiving Day my house was full of family...well that is were Chad and I were when we were struggling to find it that last time. A picture so clear in my mind. To imagine that day again the fear comes storming back. The sick feeling in my gut, the pounding in my chest, the shaking and anxiety. The bile in my throat. I certainly never wish to relive that again.

So, we will avoid listening in the bedroom.

What Do You Think?

My "baby" is 22 months old. Exactly. She was 15 months old when Clarence died. She never really understood or knew that mommy was pregnant.

I have a picture of Clarence out in our room. I don't "hide" him from her. We speak of him and don't censor ourselves. Do you think that is healthy? Is that OK for her? I don't ever want to hide the fact that she has a baby brother up in Heaven.

I don't go out of my way to "show" her Clarence either. I have picked up his picture on occasion and pointed to him and said to her "baby". She has picked up his teddy bear I have next to his picture and I have let her play with it telling her it is Clarence's bear. I figure if he is spoken of naturally, that one day it will be natural for her to ask about him. Or that she will grow up knowing about him already.

What do you think?

Hey there

I have many posts twirling in my head as I lie in bed @ night. I will try my darnedest to get them in print! We just returned from vacation. I have a ton of catching up to do. Just wanted you all to know I am still here reading and supporting you. And that I appreciate your continued support as well.

A Trip To The Beach

I got a chance to get out of town for a little girls "weekend". We went to VA Beach.So of course while I was there, I had to test out writing Clarence's name in the sand.
And here is one for Clarence and his angel friend Casey. There was something very peaceful and calming that came over me while doing this.

It made me smile.

So Scared

I have an OB appt in the morning. They will check for the HB with a Doppler. We all know what happened the last time I had a baby in my belly and we checked for the HB with a Doppler. I am nervous as shit. Even though this pregnancy is going so well. Even though I have had no bleeding. Still....what if? I hope I sleep tonight.