What Do You Think?

My "baby" is 22 months old. Exactly. She was 15 months old when Clarence died. She never really understood or knew that mommy was pregnant.

I have a picture of Clarence out in our room. I don't "hide" him from her. We speak of him and don't censor ourselves. Do you think that is healthy? Is that OK for her? I don't ever want to hide the fact that she has a baby brother up in Heaven.

I don't go out of my way to "show" her Clarence either. I have picked up his picture on occasion and pointed to him and said to her "baby". She has picked up his teddy bear I have next to his picture and I have let her play with it telling her it is Clarence's bear. I figure if he is spoken of naturally, that one day it will be natural for her to ask about him. Or that she will grow up knowing about him already.

What do you think?

Hey there

I have many posts twirling in my head as I lie in bed @ night. I will try my darnedest to get them in print! We just returned from vacation. I have a ton of catching up to do. Just wanted you all to know I am still here reading and supporting you. And that I appreciate your continued support as well.

A Trip To The Beach

I got a chance to get out of town for a little girls "weekend". We went to VA Beach.So of course while I was there, I had to test out writing Clarence's name in the sand.
And here is one for Clarence and his angel friend Casey. There was something very peaceful and calming that came over me while doing this.

It made me smile.

So Scared

I have an OB appt in the morning. They will check for the HB with a Doppler. We all know what happened the last time I had a baby in my belly and we checked for the HB with a Doppler. I am nervous as shit. Even though this pregnancy is going so well. Even though I have had no bleeding. Still....what if? I hope I sleep tonight.

It's Been 6 Months

I would love to say it doesn't feel like it. Like it feels like just yesterday. But it doesn't. It almost feels like it happened in an alternate reality. It feels so surreal that I (Me, Alisha) was pregnant with a perfect little boy that just died in my womb. Died. I have a child that was born dead. It feels so far away. So far away. He was born (dead of course) on November, 28th. His heart stopped beating sometime on November 27th. So I have had this morbid thought in my head about how his tombstone would read? "Born 11/28/08, Died 11/27/08"? Or 11/28/08 -11/27/08? Weird isn't it?

Back to my original thought though. He just feels so far away. Further than 6 months. Further than....I don't know what. He is only going to get further and further.

In the weeks following his death, I would cry myself to sleep @ night. Sometimes clutching the teddy bear or blanket they gave him in the hospital. Always smelling him before going to bed. Taking in the aroma of the little gowns and hats that he wore.

I still haven't (and @ this point probably won't) washed them. It has been awhile since I have opened the Ziploc baggy and breathed them in. A smell that is so sweet and so sad @ the same time. I don't know what I will do when the smell fades away. It will just be another part of him further away from me.

Today I reread a post on a forum I am a member of. It was posted by my husband to inform my dear friends that our little boy had passed. My eyes swelled with tears and the tears spilled over. I know on some level I think of him everyday. Whether it be specifically him, or maybe the memory of how terrifying the pregnancy was and how more terrifying it makes THIS pregnancy. It was nice to take a moment today and really think of him and what occurred on this day 6 months ago.

So please, if you will. Take a moment and think of my sweet Clarence today. And I will smile in appreciation of how many people this little life touched.

Thank you for all your love and support.

Trying To Make Peace

My husband had a dream the other night.

When I was pregnant with Kensington, he dreamed I was pregnant with a girl and he was right. When I was pregnant with Clarence, he dreamed I was pregnant with a boy and he was right. So when he originally told me the other day that he dreamed that we were gonna have a boy this time, I figured "OK, boy it is". But further inquiry, (because let's face it, guys tend to be sparse on the details) revealed that he actually dreamed we had a little boy and he saw him as a toddler. So now I wonder if he was dreaming of the child I am carrying now or if his dream was really of Clarence and what might have been? I'd like to think his dream was of Clarence. Maybe Clarence was visiting his Daddy in his dream. Isn't that a beautiful thought? I hope that he chooses to visit me in my dreams someday. Right now though, I don't think my heart could handle it.

The wheels have been turning now and I have been trying to assess how I'd feel if indeed Tweet is a boy. Honestly? I am terrified of that. I want the experience of raising a son. I do. But somehow I feel.... I don't know. I mean he wouldn't be Clarence. That is an awful lot for another little boy to follow. I mean in my heart I know I would love him and wouldn't change a thing.... but right now it just seems like it would be so much easier if Tweet was a girl. I need to reconcile this feeling. I need to make peace with the idea that this baby could very well be a boy. And that that is OK. I need to figure this out. I don't want to be disappointed to be carrying a son. I want to be happy. I want to be @ peace with whatever God has planned for our family. I don't know how to do that. But I am working on it.

Look what the Easter Bunny brought us!

This is what we got on Easter Sunday this year. Clarence is gonna be a big brother!!Meet our wittle Easter Tweet!

These were taken yesterday 5/5/09.The HB measured 148 bpm. We are due 12/22!