Emotional Mess

I have been an emotional mess this pregnancy. Not necessarily for the reasons you would think. Not about losing Clarence. Not about being scared to lose this baby. At least not overwhelmingly so. Just sad, tired and ..... I don't know what else. Maybe subconsciously it is about Clarence and fear? I don't know. I just wish it would get better. I wanna enjoy these last months of Mommy hood with my daughter as an only (live) child.

I Don't Know What To Say

To my babylost momma friends,

I read your blogs. They move me and make me think. They help me understand some of my own feelings that I can't quite put my finger on. Most of the time I don't know what to say in your comments. That bothers me. I start to write a comment and I feel it sounds superficial, so I will erase it. But I want you all to know I am there reading and supporting you. Maybe I should just write "I was here"?

I don't want you to think I am not here. That I am not listening. I am.

I just don't know what to say always.....

All my love,

Alisha

Clarence's Teddy Bear

Here is a picture of my DD Kensington hold the Teddy Bear the hospital gave to Clarence.

20w1d

Or read that as 20 weeks 1 day. That is how pregnant I was when we lost Clarence and that is how pregnant I am today.

We had our anatomy scan yesterday. Everything was just wonderful. Healthy and thriving, moving and posing. So different from our 20 week with Clarence. I mean he appeared to be thriving and growing just fine. Some of his measurements were a week or a few days behind, which is totally normal. But he wasn't active @ all. But because he had a strong HB, there was really no concern.

We found out we are having a boy! I think Clarence had a little something to do with that. What a little angel he is. I was worried how I would feel about another son. I am absolutely happy though....and nervous! I only know about little baby girls so far. A boy will be a whole new adventure.

A bitter sweet u/s yesterday. And a bitter sweet day today. I think Clarence was up there working his magic today to help his Mommy through the day. He's made sure his little brother in my womb has been making his presence known to Mommy all day with little kicks and thumps! What a glorious feeling.

July 31st

I can't believe it, but it has been a year already. Not since Clarence died and was born, but since he first came into our lives. We didn't yet know it but this day in 2008 (or shortly before or after) a very special thing happened. A sperm and an egg came together and the miracle of life began. Kinda embarrassing to write about his conception...but that is the REAL beginning of his life, right? A little secret taking root in Mommy's womb.... What a beautiful day!

And what a difference that life would make.

Adorable

Someone new read my blog. They told me that my son was "adorable". How wonderful that felt to have someone say that. Someone who isn't family, isn't a "member" of this terrible club. I hardly know her in fact. That single sentence made me so happy. A lot of people don't have the courage to speak so freely. I made sure to tell her how much I truly appreciated that. I too think he is adorable!

Some Good & Some Bad

It's been awhile. I hadn't realized how long. Everything here is going well. Perfect really. Maybe I shouldn't have said that? I am 18 weeks today. I am thinking of Clarence a lot lately as I am quickly approaching the point in this pregnancy that we lost him. I was exactly 20 weeks when I got my last u/s with him. And I will be exactly 20 weeks for my next u/s with this one. This time we will be celebrating, hopefully, good, glorious news. With Clarence we received the news that there may have been further complications on the way. They suspected a Velamentous Cord Insertion, or VCI. It was never actually confirmed though b/c he passed away the next day.

I wonder if it hurt? Him dying, I mean. Did he just fall asleep and slip away? This baby is always so active when we listen with the Doppler. Clarence really wasn't. So I wonder if he was weak from all the bleeding I was experiencing. These are thoughts that are fresh to me. They have just recently occurred. I really hope he didn't suffer. Someone told me that the only thing he ever new was his mommas warmth and the coziness of my womb. I had never thought of it like that. I had always thought of it as I had failed him. It's a new way to see things I guess. It certainly is true.

Why, why, why? I still wonder why. And while I wish things were different, then I wouldn't have this sweet baby I am carrying now. I mean if Clarence had come early, maybe...but not likely. It's a weird feeling knowing the baby in your womb would not be here if the one you yearned for hadn't died. How ironic is that?

Sorry this post is just a bunch of rambling. I came on here thinking I had nothing much to say. guess I should do that more often?