Wednesday, April 29, 2009


I have been silent here lately. I just don't really have anything new to say or share I guess. Do I still think of Clarence? Of course. Do I still ache and hurt from his death. Yes! Everyday. But I am also finding more joy in my life everyday too. I am enjoying my daughter and watching how fast she is growing right before my eyes. I am trying to be a better homemaker and keep up with things. I am trying to get out more with Kensington.
So I may continue to be silent for awhile. It is nice to just BE. To try not to analyze so much and to just take life as it comes. That is what I am working on.
I'll still be around though....

Monday, April 20, 2009

A Day About Clarence

April 16th was a day all About Clarence. I posted in Kensington's blog about what we did.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Thank you

Does Anyone Know?
Does anyone know what today should be?
Anyone else or is it only me?
Does anyone know how great today would have been, If you would have come now, instead of then.
It seems people forget; to them it is just another day.
But for me, I just can't think of it that way.
My heart aches and I can't stop the tears.
I keep on wishing that you were still here.
Others just don't understand why, today, I mourn.
Today is a special day; the day you should have been born.
~ Author~
Heather Will
I am so blessed and lucky to be able to say the answer to this question is yes. I have had so many people reach out to me to day with kind words and gestures. Here is just one example. Thank you Barbara.
The poem above is another. Thank you Lesley for finding it and having the courage to share it with me. There are no words to describe how much it means to me. Thank you!

It's Finally Here

Today's the day. April 16th, Clarence's estimated due date. How different things could have been. I am not sad today though. At least not yet. Just grateful for my little man and the time I had with him. He forever changed me...for the better. I love you little guy!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I Cried

I cried as I spoke to him. For the first time in awhile I shed tears for him tonight. I told him I loved him and that I was proud of him. So proud of him and happy he was a little boy. That he was perfect. I'm sure I have told him this before. In the days and weeks following his death, I am sure I spoke to him. But I don't remember it.
I will forever be haunted by the disappointment I felt when I found out I was having a little boy. I can not tell you enough how much that hurts my heart. I never want Clarence to think he wasn't good enough. He was perfect, from his head to his toes. I loved every inch of him. He was a fighter. The odds were against him. He struggled to grow and thrive while his lifeline, my placenta, bled and bled. While my body let him down... He fought.
I felt him kick for the first time when I was 15 weeks along. A big thump. There was no denying it. And I thought to myself that it was a sign. We had a fighter growing in there.
I am so thankful for his strength to fight. I am so glad I got to hold my baby boy. Tiny as ever, but still a baby. Ten fingers, ten toes, a perfect button nose. He hung on and he fought so his mommy would have a chance to hold him and see him fully formed. Perfectly formed. I am sure he would've held on longer if he could have. But his little body put up a long fight and needed to rest.
It's OK Clarence. I am proud of you.

I Don't Feel Like It

I have stuff to say. I just really don't feel like it. Hopefully I will soon.