Missing you

Mommy's heart is aching today sweet Clarence. I am missing you. It hurts so. I love you sweet baby boy.

Solution

I posted last month about my toe nail polish chipping away. It was polish that I had on since I was pregnant with Clarence and I was afraid for it to totally chip away. With the warmer weather this weekend I started to realize just how bad my feet looked and how much I needed to do something about it. I just couldn't bring myself to take off the polish though. So instead, I painted over it. It felt strangely liberating. Now I am not constantly looking down @ my toes and wondering what I am gonna do when it all comes off. And I didn't have to make the decision to take it off, wipe him away. It was the perfect solution I think.

The Life Of Clarence Part III

Beautiful pictures of my baby boy @ 13 weeks.

This is me @ 15 weeks pregnant. So anxious to document my growing belly. These were my first belly shots for this pregnancy.

The Only Grandson

I've been waiting for it. I knew it would happen one day. I didn't know how I would react. I think I handled it with dignity...and I hope I made everyone think twice about what was just said. It felt surreal to have it said. My husband fell right into the trap too. I am hurt by that. Pissed almost.

So I only have one nephew. I have teased him before with the statement "Tyler, you are my favorite nephew". The rebuttal always is, as expected "I'm your ONLY nephew Aunt Alisha!"

So, I know where the statement was coming from. I surely know where it was headed.

Chad (my husband), Kensi, Brenden, I and mother and father in law all piled into our van to go to dinner last night. As we were backing out of the driveway my father in law said "Brenden, you are my favorite grandson".

"His only grandson" was the reply from my husband.

"No he's not" I said.

"Yes, he is" said Chad. He looked at me confused.

"His only LIVING grandson" I said.

"Oh, right"

And that was it. Nothing else was said.

I sat in the passenger seat wanting to scream looking @ the little angle dangling from my rear view mirror. A tiny little Clarence purchased for me by a virtual stranger. Just to let me know that he is remembered. Never forgotten.

"He's right here!" I wanted to yell. "Right here!!! How can you possibly forget about him when he is right here!? Just because he isn't alive doesn't mean that he doesn't count. He counts damn it. He counts!"

But I remained silent. I know it was unintentional. It still hurt though.

A similar thing happened when my family went "home" to visit my parents a few weeks ago. My mother had a picture of Clarence up on her bureau in her dining room. She also had a picture of her and my father with Clarence and on of me and my husband with Clarence. She made the comment that she had showed my uncle those pictures a few days ago and he said that she might not want to have those up when I came to visit. That it might hurt my feelings or make me sad. Really!!!???? He couldn't have been further from the truth.

Why does everyone want to ignore the "elephant in the room"? Clarence is very real. He did exist. He did live. He can not just be forgotten or brushed under the rug. You are not sparing me my feelings by not mentioning him. What you are doing is sparing your own feelings. You use the excuse that you are sparing mine. When in actuality you don't want to deal with the difficult feelings it brings up for you to mention his name. Lets get that straight people. No more freaking excuses. Own up already. Listen to what I am saying. Ignorance is bliss for only so long. Then it is just stupidity and selfishness.

A lot more came out just now than I intended to type.

I feel good.

Sad

I am sad today. That is it really. Nothing else.

3 Months

The title really says it all. Today is 3 months to the day of giving birth to my sleeping Clarence. I don't know how I feel today. It's ONLY been 3 months? It feels like an eternity. It has ALREADY been three months? It feels like just yesterday. Those are the two extremes I go between. Today it is the "it feels like any eternity". I feel that way most of the time now I think. It feels so distant and surreal.

I spoke to an ex co-worker on the phone yesterday. She lost her daughter in her 23rd week to preterm labor. This was about 6 years ago. She was born breathing and lived a very short time. She was telling me how @ that particular hospital @ that particular time they didn't do anything for a baby born before 24 weeks. They couldn't I guess. So she had to hold her daughter and watch her die and they could do nothing to save or help her. I can't imagine that torment. I mean she was DAYS away from 24 weeks!! In the end though, she feels that maybe it was best it wasn't her decision to decided if to do something and how much to do. Seriously. Where do you draw that line? She feels now that maybe it was best left up to God. Still though, it is heart wrenching. My immediate thought is "I can't imagine that feeling of utter helplessness." I recognize now though that I have experienced that. I realize that although her situation was completely different from mine it was also the same. My helplessness just came@ a different point. I know some of you in DBL have experienced what she has and my heart just breaks for you.

It was helpful to talk with her though. To be able to discuss with someone IRL all of the feelings that go along with losing your baby was very validating. To hear those emotions in someone else's voice was moving. I don't know why I waited so long to call her. I guess I just had to be ready. She was sweet and understood it had to happen in my own time. So she offered a card and her number and waited. I clung to her card and number like a life line. I panicked when I thought I didn't know where it was. I am forever grateful to her for reaching out to me like that.

And on that note, I am so grateful to all of you who reach out to me through commenting on this blog. I love to read your blogs and will try to do better in the future about leaving comments on yours. I am realizing that even if someone doesn't know what to say, just to see them write "I am sorry" or "Hugs" lets me know that they empathize with me and that they are here, reading along. I am not alone.

Thank you, thank you , thank you.

I Will Never

I will never get to rock my baby to sleep.

I will never get to whisper I love you into his ear and have him hear me.

I will never hear my sweet baby's cry....or his laughter.

I will never get to give my baby his first bath.

I will never get to breast feed my baby.

I will never get to see him crawl or take his first steps.

I will never hear him say "mommy".

I will never brush his hair or clip his nails.

I will never be able to give my baby a massage.

I will never be able to buy those cute little boy clothes I see when I go shopping.

I will never see his eyes.

I will never feel his hand grasp my finger.

I will never see him open a Christmas gift.

I will never sing him "Happy Birthday".

I will never watch him hunt for Easter eggs.

I will never teach him to ride a bike.

I will never send him off for his first day of school.

There will always be someone missing from our family photos.

There will always be someone missing from our dinner table.

There is a piece of my heart that is gone.



Forever.



Fuck.