Honest Scrap

Thank you Leila's mommy for nominating me! Sorry it has taken me so long to post this!

Here are the rules:

1. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs who you find brilliant in content or design.

2. Show the 7 winners’ names and links on your blog, and leave a comment (on their blog) informing them that they have won the Honest Scrap award.

3. Tell us 7 honest things about yourself.

These are the blogs I am nominating. I'm sure some of you may have been nominated before. If so, it must be a compliment!

1. Shana @ http://blazeandcrochet.blogspot.com/

2. Lindsey @ http://livinglifeaswego.blogspot.com/

3. Heidi @ http://joshandheidisjourney.blogspot.com/

4. Jamie @ http://theflukenfamily.blogspot.com/?zx=42643394632235bd

5. Christina @ http://scfmrankinfamily.blogspot.com/

6. Christina @ http://littlegraciev.blogspot.com/

7. Julia @ http://wontfearlove.blogspot.com/

Seven honest things about me. Hmm... This may be tough.

1. I have 2 dogs and a cat that I feel don't get nearly enough attention since my daughter was born. I feel tremendously guilty for this. I try to remind myself that they are loved, sheltered, fed and happy and that there are many animals out there that aren't.

2. I often call my daughter just "Kensi" in public b/c I love her full name so much (Kensington) and I am afraid someone will hear it and use it someday. It is a very unique name and I don't want it to become the next "Emma". As if I could single-handedly prevent that! LOL

3. My daughter eats breakfast in front of the TV every morning. It allows Mommy time to wake up... and surf the net.

4. I struggled with infertility. I have PCOS. Kensington came as a "Christmas Miracle" while we were on a break waiting to start injectibles. I got a surprise call from the nurse not to take the first injection that night b/c I was pregnant. Her estimated conception date? Christmas Eve or Christmas Day!

5. I often feel guilty that my struggle with PCOS has been mild compared to so many wonderful women I know. My problem is corrected by treating the underlying problem of insulin resistance, for others it is not so easy. My heart breaks for these women. Many of them close friends.

6. I am pretty boring I think. I love to read, watch TV. I do better in small groups of people. Actually one on one. I kinda sink into the background in bigger groups of people.

7. I have ADD. I get very overwhelmed @ times and have no idea how to organize myself. Consequently, if I have a ton of stuff that needs to be done...well.... I either flip out or nothing gets done at all. I'm one of those people that start to clean in one room (kitchen) and go to return something somewhere else (bedroom) and then start cleaning that room...until I find something that belongs somewhere else! LOL! I am getting better. I have recognized ways to "talk" myself out of being so overwhelmed, but it is definitely a continuing struggle.

Well, there you go. Seven honest scraps about me. I guess I did them more like "confessions". I would love it if when you do your "Honest Scrap" you leave me a link in one of my comments so I can read yours too. No pressure. Have fun. Take your time. I look forward to learning little tidbits about everyone!

Unexpected Suprise

I am currently 27 weeks pregnant. Officially in the 3rd trimester. We went to the MFM for an u/s on Monday and got some great pictures. This first one made me a little sad. This pose is the same way we last saw our Clarence on u/s. His feet up above his head, comfortable for him I guess. And when we went to the hospital the next day and learned his heart had stopped beating....well, he was still in that position. Seeing this baby like that tugged on my heart strings a bit, as I am sure you can imagine.Love the little foot print.
And this looks to me to be a strong soccer leg! No wonder I feel those strong kicks!

But the best picture? This one here. I didn't even know they could do a 3D u/s there. The u/s tech. just said, lets see if we can get some 3D pics and before I could reply (I have never had a desire for one b/c I feel it is like peeking @ your presents before Christmas) she had the first picture up! Needless to say, I was very suprised and VERY happy we got it. AND it was free! I think he is rather handsome. How 'bout you?

Shit

I had an eye exam today. I love the doctor I go to see. He is very friendly and is always happy to talk about his grand kids and asks many questions about my family. I almost made it though the appointment without mentioning Clarence. In the end though, as he was comparing my exam from today to last year, he must have saw where he made a note that I had been pregnant. He kinda stumbled for a minute and then seem confused. And then, God love him, he said "Did you lose one?" Plain and simple, not awkward, not apologetic, just matter of fact. He wasn't afraid of "reminding me" or "hurting my feelings". Maybe that would make some people mad that he asked so nonchalant like that. But it was OK with me. Others would have stumbled, been confused and then ignored the "elephant in the room". He didn't. We even talked about my pregnancy hormones. He made the comment (b/c we were talking about the meds I take) that the child bearing years wreck havoc on your hormones but once you are done having kids they seem to level out and you get some relief. "That shit does go away" he said. I had to laugh. My "shit" has been with me long before pregnancy, but I pray he is right and that it has just been exacerbated these last few years. I would love for my "shit" to go away or @ the very least even out and tame down! I bet Chad would be happy with that too ;)

Why?

How does this happen? How is this fair? My heart is breaking for this couple right now, as they mourn the loss of yet another child. A third child. A son named Jet. I don't even know them, but my heart feels so much pain. Thinking of you, Mirne and Craig, and keeping you and your sweet children in my prayers.

9 Months & A Birthday

As of the 28th it has been nine months since we said goodbye to our sweet boy. I made a mental note of it @ the beginning of the week, that the day was approaching. It wasn't until I crawled into bed on the evening of the 28th that I realized what day it was. It had been a horribly emotional day. Overwhelmed, stressed, on edge and just worn out. A lot of that had to do with my daughters birthday party coming up the next day. And then that brought about another thought. At Kensi's party last year I was newly pregnant with Clarence and we hadn't told our friends and family yet. It was so exciting b/c after the cake and ice cream we changed her into an outfit that said "I'm the Big sister" and waited for everyone to notice. What sweet memories. I look back @ those pictures from her party, when he was safely snuggled inside of me and smile. Then I want to cry. Because that was the innocent me. The innocent us. So unaware of the storm ahead of us. That just in a few months our world would split down the middle and we would go tumbling through the crack.

Emotional Mess

I have been an emotional mess this pregnancy. Not necessarily for the reasons you would think. Not about losing Clarence. Not about being scared to lose this baby. At least not overwhelmingly so. Just sad, tired and ..... I don't know what else. Maybe subconsciously it is about Clarence and fear? I don't know. I just wish it would get better. I wanna enjoy these last months of Mommy hood with my daughter as an only (live) child.

I Don't Know What To Say

To my babylost momma friends,

I read your blogs. They move me and make me think. They help me understand some of my own feelings that I can't quite put my finger on. Most of the time I don't know what to say in your comments. That bothers me. I start to write a comment and I feel it sounds superficial, so I will erase it. But I want you all to know I am there reading and supporting you. Maybe I should just write "I was here"?

I don't want you to think I am not here. That I am not listening. I am.

I just don't know what to say always.....

All my love,

Alisha