It's Finally Here

Today's the day. April 16th, Clarence's estimated due date. How different things could have been. I am not sad today though. At least not yet. Just grateful for my little man and the time I had with him. He forever changed me...for the better. I love you little guy!

I Cried

I cried as I spoke to him. For the first time in awhile I shed tears for him tonight. I told him I loved him and that I was proud of him. So proud of him and happy he was a little boy. That he was perfect. I'm sure I have told him this before. In the days and weeks following his death, I am sure I spoke to him. But I don't remember it.

I will forever be haunted by the disappointment I felt when I found out I was having a little boy. I can not tell you enough how much that hurts my heart. I never want Clarence to think he wasn't good enough. He was perfect, from his head to his toes. I loved every inch of him. He was a fighter. The odds were against him. He struggled to grow and thrive while his lifeline, my placenta, bled and bled. While my body let him down... He fought.

I felt him kick for the first time when I was 15 weeks along. A big thump. There was no denying it. And I thought to myself that it was a sign. We had a fighter growing in there.

I am so thankful for his strength to fight. I am so glad I got to hold my baby boy. Tiny as ever, but still a baby. Ten fingers, ten toes, a perfect button nose. He hung on and he fought so his mommy would have a chance to hold him and see him fully formed. Perfectly formed. I am sure he would've held on longer if he could have. But his little body put up a long fight and needed to rest.

It's OK Clarence. I am proud of you.

I Don't Feel Like It

I have stuff to say. I just really don't feel like it. Hopefully I will soon.

Under The Tree

There is a wonderful special place for us Babylost Mamas to meet. Under The Tree was created by Carly. The same lovely lady who created To Write Their Names In The Sand. It was created as a place for us all to gather together and talk of our lost babies. To share what is in our hearts. To bring us all together and meet other mamas and bring new readers to their blogs. I am honored to be able to participate in this. Today will be my first meeting.

Do you have a special place in your home for your baby/ies? What is it like? Do you have any rituals that you perform in memory of your baby/ies?

I do have a little place set up in our bedroom. It is on the little dressing table that goes with our bedroom set. Here I have a framed poem "The Broken Chain" that Chad's parents got us in memory of Clarence. It has an engraved brass plate @ the bottom with Clarence's full name and date of birth. Next to that is a little glass angel Chad's mother got me for Christmas. Then I have a wooden memory box a wonderful friend and Cyster sent me to hold little mementos of Clarence dear. A molding of his foot print taken by the nurses and the teddy bear that was snuggled with him when they brought him to us in his basket. The picture you see, you will recognize @ the top of my blog. This was taken by me and is my most precious possession. Here he looks like a sweet little angel to me. Snuggled and cozy and sleeping. Peaceful. I am so thankful for this beautiful picture of my son. If I was left with only the photos the hospital staff took, I would be so disappointed. They tried so hard and were just wonderful. However, the photo's were either cold and unnatural, or extremely blurry from the poor quality of the disposable camera.

If you believe in an afterlife, do you receive signs from your baby/ies? Have you ever felt their presence? Do you find them in nature? Do they visit you in your dreams?

Something about this angel touches me. I can't quite explain it. Maybe because it is so tiny and perfect like he was? I almost feel like this angel was made with the very purpose to represent him. The blue gown, the stone so close to his birthstone, Topaz. The fact that it came from a virtual stranger, just so I would know that he was being thought of. That he would not be forgotten.
It hangs in my rear view mirror. And I am not gonna lie. I feel him with me when I am near it.
As I drive with Kensington to and from play dates or on errands, I glance back @ her in the rear view mirror. Talking to her or singing with her or even checking to see if she has fallen asleep. And when I do, I catch a glimpse of this tiny little angel dangling from the mirror and I feel him there. He is with us on our outings. Waiting in the car to hear of our adventures when we return. Giggling along as I sing out loud and dance in the car, trying to make Kensi laugh and dance with me. He is there. And I am so so grateful for that.

Do you have a special poem, song, prayer or quote in memory of your baby/ies?

The answer to this question is relatively new. Every time I visited Carly's blog I heard this beautiful song. It just grabbed my heart and made it hum. It brought tears to my eyes and made my soul and arms ache with emptiness. It is the song you hear playing now as you come to this blog. After returning to Carly's page over and over and having it touch me every time I finally figured out how to add it to my page. It is "Family" by Dar Williams. Someone I had never heard of. If you haven't heard it already, take a listen.

Ignorance Is Bliss, Right?

The other day I came across a beautiful blog called "Stepping Stones" by Emily. She wrote a post entitled "Lightening Strikes" that really struck (no pun intended) me. I was in awe of the actual statistics. According to AmericanPregnancy.org there are 6 million pregnancies every year throughout the United States. Out of those 6 million pregnancies approximately 2 million don't survive. That is 1/3 of all pregnancies!!

Then why don't we hear more about it? I mean yes, we do hear how common miscarriages are and how many women have a miscarriage and don't even realize they were pregnant. Their period was just a few days late. Please don't misunderstand me. I am not talking light of miscarriage. It is devastating in it's own right. Any pregnancy loss is a tragedy. Any pregnancy loss is painful. The potential for that child to be brought into this world will never again be. That is earth shattering no matter how far along you are in your pregnancy. Days, weeks or months. But what about all the stillbirths? Cord accidents? You rarely hear about them until you or someone close to you has been through it. I've been told what happened to Clarence was a "fluke". I have been told it is like being hit by lightening and the chances of it happening twice are minuscule. However everywhere I turn I hear of more babies dying. I spoke with a friend yesterday on Facebook who told me her cousin just lost her baby @ 38 weeks pregnant. The heartbeat wasn't there. Apparently a cord accident. It was wrapped around her neck. A "fluke". God I hate that word.

Since the death of Clarence there are people everywhere just coming out of the woodwork to tell me about this person that had a stillborn or that person who had preterm labor and lost their baby. It seems so common... yet it is never spoken of. Why aren't we told by our OB's the true statistics about pregnancy? That there truly is NO guarantee? It isn't over until the fat lady sings so to speak. Until you bring home a healthy, squealing, squirming baby in your arms.... Well you just may end up being one of those statistics.

I suppose there are many reasons they don't tell you. Can you imagine the slew of panicky pregnant women? They already have do deal with the ones who are no longer blissfully ignorant about the odds. I'm guessing they don't want to add to the hysteria they already have to deal with. Let those other lucky ladies remain blissfully ignorant. I am envious of them. I will never have that again. I loved being pregnant and can't wait to be again. But it will never be the same as it was with my daughter. I am so grateful for my wonderful pregnancy with her. My blissfully ignorant pregnancy....

My Friend Barbara

I have made some wonderful friends here through this blog. Barbara recently reprised her love of making jewelry. It warms my heart beyond belief to picture her tirelessly and lovingly pounding letters into the metal to spell the names of our dear lost babies. Thousands of miles away we are. Yet, I will forever feel close to her and wear her work close to my heart. Thank you Barbara and congratulations on your store Tiny Moments Of Pure Joy.

P.S. Do you see Clarence's name? It is up in the top right hand corner. Beautiful, don't ya think?

That Should Be Me

So today was a beautiful day. We were grilling outside when my neighbor came out with her daughter who is about 9 months old. I went inside to grab something and heard my husband ask her if she was pregnant. I'm thinking "What?!" Then came her answer. Yes she was 5 months pregnant. My stomach hit the floor. My heart sank. "That should be me" I thought. That was my dream. Two children so close together in age. It was hard enough dealing with PCOS trying to get pregnant the first time. The second came pretty easy and I was so grateful for that. Then I lost him. Now my dream of 2 children under 2 years apart is gone. I can't get that back. Can't get Clarence back. I feel like fate just slapped me in the face. The rational part of me knows it is not her fault. I want to be happy for her. From the outside it looks so easy for others. I can't help but wonder what I did to deserve the harder road. For all I know she doesn't have the "perfect" life that I imagine she does. I know you can't judge a book by it's cover. I don't care about her "perfect" life. I just want her perfect fertility and perfect pregnancy.

I am green with envy. Bright leprechaun green. Fitting for St. Patrick's day, huh?