Under The Tree

There is a wonderful special place for us Babylost Mamas to meet. Under The Tree was created by Carly. The same lovely lady who created To Write Their Names In The Sand. It was created as a place for us all to gather together and talk of our lost babies. To share what is in our hearts. To bring us all together and meet other mamas and bring new readers to their blogs. I am honored to be able to participate in this. Today will be my first meeting.

Do you have a special place in your home for your baby/ies? What is it like? Do you have any rituals that you perform in memory of your baby/ies?

I do have a little place set up in our bedroom. It is on the little dressing table that goes with our bedroom set. Here I have a framed poem "The Broken Chain" that Chad's parents got us in memory of Clarence. It has an engraved brass plate @ the bottom with Clarence's full name and date of birth. Next to that is a little glass angel Chad's mother got me for Christmas. Then I have a wooden memory box a wonderful friend and Cyster sent me to hold little mementos of Clarence dear. A molding of his foot print taken by the nurses and the teddy bear that was snuggled with him when they brought him to us in his basket. The picture you see, you will recognize @ the top of my blog. This was taken by me and is my most precious possession. Here he looks like a sweet little angel to me. Snuggled and cozy and sleeping. Peaceful. I am so thankful for this beautiful picture of my son. If I was left with only the photos the hospital staff took, I would be so disappointed. They tried so hard and were just wonderful. However, the photo's were either cold and unnatural, or extremely blurry from the poor quality of the disposable camera.

If you believe in an afterlife, do you receive signs from your baby/ies? Have you ever felt their presence? Do you find them in nature? Do they visit you in your dreams?

Something about this angel touches me. I can't quite explain it. Maybe because it is so tiny and perfect like he was? I almost feel like this angel was made with the very purpose to represent him. The blue gown, the stone so close to his birthstone, Topaz. The fact that it came from a virtual stranger, just so I would know that he was being thought of. That he would not be forgotten.
It hangs in my rear view mirror. And I am not gonna lie. I feel him with me when I am near it.
As I drive with Kensington to and from play dates or on errands, I glance back @ her in the rear view mirror. Talking to her or singing with her or even checking to see if she has fallen asleep. And when I do, I catch a glimpse of this tiny little angel dangling from the mirror and I feel him there. He is with us on our outings. Waiting in the car to hear of our adventures when we return. Giggling along as I sing out loud and dance in the car, trying to make Kensi laugh and dance with me. He is there. And I am so so grateful for that.

Do you have a special poem, song, prayer or quote in memory of your baby/ies?

The answer to this question is relatively new. Every time I visited Carly's blog I heard this beautiful song. It just grabbed my heart and made it hum. It brought tears to my eyes and made my soul and arms ache with emptiness. It is the song you hear playing now as you come to this blog. After returning to Carly's page over and over and having it touch me every time I finally figured out how to add it to my page. It is "Family" by Dar Williams. Someone I had never heard of. If you haven't heard it already, take a listen.

Ignorance Is Bliss, Right?

The other day I came across a beautiful blog called "Stepping Stones" by Emily. She wrote a post entitled "Lightening Strikes" that really struck (no pun intended) me. I was in awe of the actual statistics. According to AmericanPregnancy.org there are 6 million pregnancies every year throughout the United States. Out of those 6 million pregnancies approximately 2 million don't survive. That is 1/3 of all pregnancies!!

Then why don't we hear more about it? I mean yes, we do hear how common miscarriages are and how many women have a miscarriage and don't even realize they were pregnant. Their period was just a few days late. Please don't misunderstand me. I am not talking light of miscarriage. It is devastating in it's own right. Any pregnancy loss is a tragedy. Any pregnancy loss is painful. The potential for that child to be brought into this world will never again be. That is earth shattering no matter how far along you are in your pregnancy. Days, weeks or months. But what about all the stillbirths? Cord accidents? You rarely hear about them until you or someone close to you has been through it. I've been told what happened to Clarence was a "fluke". I have been told it is like being hit by lightening and the chances of it happening twice are minuscule. However everywhere I turn I hear of more babies dying. I spoke with a friend yesterday on Facebook who told me her cousin just lost her baby @ 38 weeks pregnant. The heartbeat wasn't there. Apparently a cord accident. It was wrapped around her neck. A "fluke". God I hate that word.

Since the death of Clarence there are people everywhere just coming out of the woodwork to tell me about this person that had a stillborn or that person who had preterm labor and lost their baby. It seems so common... yet it is never spoken of. Why aren't we told by our OB's the true statistics about pregnancy? That there truly is NO guarantee? It isn't over until the fat lady sings so to speak. Until you bring home a healthy, squealing, squirming baby in your arms.... Well you just may end up being one of those statistics.

I suppose there are many reasons they don't tell you. Can you imagine the slew of panicky pregnant women? They already have do deal with the ones who are no longer blissfully ignorant about the odds. I'm guessing they don't want to add to the hysteria they already have to deal with. Let those other lucky ladies remain blissfully ignorant. I am envious of them. I will never have that again. I loved being pregnant and can't wait to be again. But it will never be the same as it was with my daughter. I am so grateful for my wonderful pregnancy with her. My blissfully ignorant pregnancy....

My Friend Barbara

I have made some wonderful friends here through this blog. Barbara recently reprised her love of making jewelry. It warms my heart beyond belief to picture her tirelessly and lovingly pounding letters into the metal to spell the names of our dear lost babies. Thousands of miles away we are. Yet, I will forever feel close to her and wear her work close to my heart. Thank you Barbara and congratulations on your store Tiny Moments Of Pure Joy.

P.S. Do you see Clarence's name? It is up in the top right hand corner. Beautiful, don't ya think?

That Should Be Me

So today was a beautiful day. We were grilling outside when my neighbor came out with her daughter who is about 9 months old. I went inside to grab something and heard my husband ask her if she was pregnant. I'm thinking "What?!" Then came her answer. Yes she was 5 months pregnant. My stomach hit the floor. My heart sank. "That should be me" I thought. That was my dream. Two children so close together in age. It was hard enough dealing with PCOS trying to get pregnant the first time. The second came pretty easy and I was so grateful for that. Then I lost him. Now my dream of 2 children under 2 years apart is gone. I can't get that back. Can't get Clarence back. I feel like fate just slapped me in the face. The rational part of me knows it is not her fault. I want to be happy for her. From the outside it looks so easy for others. I can't help but wonder what I did to deserve the harder road. For all I know she doesn't have the "perfect" life that I imagine she does. I know you can't judge a book by it's cover. I don't care about her "perfect" life. I just want her perfect fertility and perfect pregnancy.

I am green with envy. Bright leprechaun green. Fitting for St. Patrick's day, huh?

Missing you

Mommy's heart is aching today sweet Clarence. I am missing you. It hurts so. I love you sweet baby boy.

Solution

I posted last month about my toe nail polish chipping away. It was polish that I had on since I was pregnant with Clarence and I was afraid for it to totally chip away. With the warmer weather this weekend I started to realize just how bad my feet looked and how much I needed to do something about it. I just couldn't bring myself to take off the polish though. So instead, I painted over it. It felt strangely liberating. Now I am not constantly looking down @ my toes and wondering what I am gonna do when it all comes off. And I didn't have to make the decision to take it off, wipe him away. It was the perfect solution I think.

The Life Of Clarence Part III

Beautiful pictures of my baby boy @ 13 weeks.

This is me @ 15 weeks pregnant. So anxious to document my growing belly. These were my first belly shots for this pregnancy.

The Only Grandson

I've been waiting for it. I knew it would happen one day. I didn't know how I would react. I think I handled it with dignity...and I hope I made everyone think twice about what was just said. It felt surreal to have it said. My husband fell right into the trap too. I am hurt by that. Pissed almost.

So I only have one nephew. I have teased him before with the statement "Tyler, you are my favorite nephew". The rebuttal always is, as expected "I'm your ONLY nephew Aunt Alisha!"

So, I know where the statement was coming from. I surely know where it was headed.

Chad (my husband), Kensi, Brenden, I and mother and father in law all piled into our van to go to dinner last night. As we were backing out of the driveway my father in law said "Brenden, you are my favorite grandson".

"His only grandson" was the reply from my husband.

"No he's not" I said.

"Yes, he is" said Chad. He looked at me confused.

"His only LIVING grandson" I said.

"Oh, right"

And that was it. Nothing else was said.

I sat in the passenger seat wanting to scream looking @ the little angle dangling from my rear view mirror. A tiny little Clarence purchased for me by a virtual stranger. Just to let me know that he is remembered. Never forgotten.

"He's right here!" I wanted to yell. "Right here!!! How can you possibly forget about him when he is right here!? Just because he isn't alive doesn't mean that he doesn't count. He counts damn it. He counts!"

But I remained silent. I know it was unintentional. It still hurt though.

A similar thing happened when my family went "home" to visit my parents a few weeks ago. My mother had a picture of Clarence up on her bureau in her dining room. She also had a picture of her and my father with Clarence and on of me and my husband with Clarence. She made the comment that she had showed my uncle those pictures a few days ago and he said that she might not want to have those up when I came to visit. That it might hurt my feelings or make me sad. Really!!!???? He couldn't have been further from the truth.

Why does everyone want to ignore the "elephant in the room"? Clarence is very real. He did exist. He did live. He can not just be forgotten or brushed under the rug. You are not sparing me my feelings by not mentioning him. What you are doing is sparing your own feelings. You use the excuse that you are sparing mine. When in actuality you don't want to deal with the difficult feelings it brings up for you to mention his name. Lets get that straight people. No more freaking excuses. Own up already. Listen to what I am saying. Ignorance is bliss for only so long. Then it is just stupidity and selfishness.

A lot more came out just now than I intended to type.

I feel good.

Sad

I am sad today. That is it really. Nothing else.